Toluu : Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Terrible news for those of you whores who coochie cream over Michael C. Hall. He went off and got himself married to the chick who plays his sister on Dexter. Ew! You're boning your sister! Seriously now, his spokesbitch told E! that they did the deed on New Year's Eve in Big Sur, CA.

Michael, 37, and Jennifer Carpenter, 29, have been dating on the down low for about a year and a half. They are expected to walk the red carpet as man and wifey this Sunday at the Golden Globes.

Dexter is not a member of my Tivo queue family, but I was all about Six Feet Under. David Fisher is married to Keith Charles! Not this stick bug lady!

P.S. - Let's all clap for that hot Asian girl in the picture above. She's giving us face.

Mickey Rourke In My Favorite PositionToday

Ever since I started wearing pants, my hand has been down them, because that shit is my favorite thing to do. It's not even a "thing" anymore. It's a way of life. My mom calls it the "Al Brady." Yes, she means the "Al Bundy," but she gets her TV hos mixed up. Seriously, I do it all the time. It's not a sexual thing, you nasty bitch! It's not like my finger is up my ass. Well, not usually. It's just comforting keeping my hand right above my crotch area. Although, my slutty hand does travel a little too far south sometimes, but only to say "hey."

And just like Mickey Rourke, I even do that shit in public. But I always do it without thinking. When I'm waiting to cross the street or something like that, sometimes my hand will just creep into my pants out of habit. Whoever I'm with will usually call me a nasty perv and tell me to never leave the house again, but it's not like it's obscene!

In fact, I'm glad Mickey Rourke did it at the Critics Choice Awards last night. It distracts from his chilaquiles face.

Nicole Kidman Can't Watch HerselfToday

I haven't seen the alleged epic kangaroo shit pile known as Australia, so I can't comment on Nicole Kidman's performance in it, but I can comment on her FACE. The face that is thisclose to looking exactly like Julie Masking. This is probably what made Nicole so uncomfortable while watching her own movie.

In an interview with a Australian radio station 2DayFM (via LA Times), Nicole said, "I can’t look at this movie and be proud of what I’ve done. But I thought Brandon Walters and Hugh Jackman were wonderful. It’s just impossible for me to connect to it emotionally at all."

Change out the word "movie" with the word "mug" and then she's finally speaking the truth. Oh and while you're doing that, also drop the "it" and add an "anything." There, fixed.

Nicole also said, "I sat there, and I looked at Keith and went, 'Am I any good in this movie?' "

She went on to tell Keith, "Um. Can you just give your answer in words, because I can't see your face. The light beams from your shiny highlights keep ricocheting back and forth off my forehead."

Personally, I don't think Nicole Kidman is a shit actress. But it's probably hard to convey raw emotion when your ey

Patrick Swayze Has Gone Into The HospitalToday

Shitty news for a Friday afternoon. Patrick Swayze was hospitalized for pneumonia. Ugh. I hate pneumonia. I even hate the name.

Patrick was scheduled to attend an event at the Television Critics Association in Los Angeles today for his new show The Beast. A&E's president told reporters, "Patrick Swayze has checked himself into the hospital. However, he asked us specifically to go forward with today's panel. We wish him the very best with his recovery."

Patrick, who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer last year, recently told Barbara Walters in an interview that he's going through hell. And now this. 2009 was supposed to be better.

Send a million and more good thoughts to Patrick....

Hot Slut Of 2008: Round 3Today

Round 2 wasn't even close. Spaghetti Cat proved that even though his creators have died (see below), he will go on! SC noodled off (I know, but he doesn't run) with 67% of the votes leaving Michelle Duggar's super snatch behind. Now on to our third round. The slut who wins this round will go on to dick fight Spaghetti Cat and La Pequena in the final finals. Here are your choices:

September: Abandoned Couch - Seriously, it's an abandoned couch. That's it!
October: Clara Meadmore - The 105-year-old virgin! And she's still alive!
November: Kim Zolciak - Fake cancer survivor and the place where wigs go to die.
December: Rojo Caliente - No explanation needed.

I swear, Abandoned Couch is going to pull some shit. I know it! Seriously, I know most of you don't have hearts, so vote with your genitals. It will point you to the right choice. Voting is in the sidebar to the right. The final slut in the finals will be announced sometime tomorrow. You know, whenever I feel like getting my lazy ass out of bed.