Toluu

The Plan

What I plan to do with my life.

Port-a-Potties-R-UsJuly 14 2008

So the first thing I am going to do in my post this week is be real and honest with you dedicated readers, you. It is NOT Monday, July 14th as the more astute among you may have noticed and there is a perfectly good explanation for why this post was started and only finished in this dismally, disgracefully tardy fashion: business is booming in the wilds of Northern Virginia Port-a-Potty country.

In lue of any speaking engagements for either my Olympic achievements or my chewing philosophies, Port-a-Potties have become my calling and career.

It’s really all for the best, I think. I didn’t want to say anything before but there was always something missing from my previous endeavors. A lack of hyphens maybe? But this time I really think I’ve found my life’s purpose. I already can’t imagine any other career really challenging and comforting me like this one has even in the few short weeks in which I have been involved in the potty world. Allow me to fill you in.

I happened upon my big break into Port-a-Potty maintenance purely by accident. A frantic friend needed immediate help with the Back Flow Main Shaft Valve Latches (in layman's terms: the locks) of her del

In Defense of ChewingJuly 2 2008

I’ve been getting a lot of speaking offers lately, but sadly none that are up to my high, prestigious standards. At first I thought I might just have to wait it out, but then I thought; “who waits?” Why wait when I could motivate?

That’s right, friends. I’m now diving into the realm of self-help. I aim to be a self-proclaimed guru by the end of the summer. My genre? Chewing.

I believe that a solemn minority of human beings actually chew their food. That is why I have taken up the ax, the war, the battle cry if you will, against ignorance in defense of chewing.

Chewing is a beautiful, natural process and a sacred right. Did you know that whole settlements of early humans had to invent chewing in the fledgling days of history? Through my extensive research and breakneck, Nicholas Cage-style archaeological scavenging I have unearthed ancient scrolls that describe in detail the art of chewing. Early societies had scarcely an idea as to the full range of the teeth as tools for breaking apart the food. Boy, were they shocked to find that their antelope and wooly mammoth were much more delectable chewed than manually grated into meat-mush. They also found that they

Olympic DreamsJune 21 2008

I know you’ve all been wondering. Yes, my Olympic dreams have come true. I put my head in the game, gave 110%, and dug deep into my soul to unleash the intense focus, killer concentration, and hidden winning ability only a true Olympiad can power forth. I just went out there and saw what happened, visualized the goal and walked away with the gold. And a rather large stuffed animal. Mom, you shouldn’t have.

What sport you may ask? What event? You would rightly ask, Eva aren’t the Olympics not for another month or so? And I would tell you yes, but you are obviously not hip-to-the-lingo enough to know that the real, true, and rightfully awesome event of the Olympics is held right here in the backyard of a home in Leesburg, Virginia and is the pinnacle of Olympic success: The Mock Olympic Podium Photo Shoot In Which I, Eva Gross, Pretend To Put To Shame Two Much More Athletic and Competitively Minded Young Lads From Potomac Hills Youth Group, All In The Name of A New, Hip, and Hopefully Hilarious Youth Group Flier.

I’m not kidding you people, this event has been around for eons. Long before I was even born. I know, weird, that my name is already in the event title, right? Well, it

Eva’s World o’ Llama, Llama Wool Clothing IndustriesJune 10 2008

I’ve been inspired. I have a new five year plan. Llama wool clothing. For both people and for the average sized llama.

So I’m going into business for myself. Be my own boss. Set my own hours. It’ll be great. I’m going to need some alpine mountain llamas, shears, and a sewing machine. Maybe llama food, too. I’ll have to remember to wikipedia that later.

I’ll start with a modest sized llama pasture and a step-powered spinning wheel just like in the olden days (if for nothing other than a nice vintage feel). I’ll bring the llamawool-less Americans of today the quality llama hair fabric that their delicate skin so desperately needs. Did you know that not only does llama wool have sun repellant qualities (if you wear enough of it) but studies have also shown that if you wear llama wool you will never age? That’s right. Never.

That’s why llamas love it so much. In fact, I’m thinking of starting a side business in clothing for actual llamas as well. That is, once the selling-to-people business takes off. I think animals have hearts and kidneys and rights just like any person. Especially the right to clothes shopp

Popsicle FarmingJune 2 2008

It’s time I got back to the land. I’ve always thought that Popsicle Farming was where I would end up after college. Some rugged manual labor before I head out into the work force to forge a career.

Not to mention the location. The best popsicle farms are obviously in the happiest places on earth. You can’t raise popsicles without some good mirth to get them tasting right. Sure, the process is arduous and taxing. The life of a popsicle farmer is a difficult one, but I’ve heard that the experience is so rewarding and I know I’m ready for the challenge.

After a world wide web search of the best and brightest popsicle farms in the industry, I chose a stellar Tasting Internship with Popsicles for Tomorrow, Inc. in the breathtaking mountains of New Zealand. Since it’s winter in New Zealand at the moment, the temperature is perfect for some grade A popsicle growing. The trees should already be frozen and in full bloom by the time I get there.

Which is where my internship comes in. With all the cultivating and careful growing done year-round, this is the time to test the final product. I’ll have to see when I get there, but from what I understand I’ll be tasting anywhere fro