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Five Years on the Fake Corporate CalendarSeptember 4

Yeah...we've been kinda quiet lately. AND we didn't even post anything about the G20 summit, which - as a few people have pointed out, including a commenter on the previous post - would be right in this "anarchist asshole"s wheel house. I would like to say that we did actually have a JTC G20 pub crawl, and a JTC G20 golf day. We spent the first 10 minutes of the pub crawl fixing the world's issues with the economy, the environment and maternal health (you're welcome) before we switched our focus to getting pants-shitting drunk. Still - no posts about ANY of that? Poor show.

Well - here's more good news for our reader(s): I'm leaving the country for the next four months to go travelling around Asia. Due to the wonder of the interweb, my travels don't mean that no posts will happen from me while I'm away, but they don't exactly make it more likely, I'd say.

So, let's cut to the chase...before I go, I wanted to make sure I sent out my annual "sign-offs" list. If you're not sure what this is, it's basically a listing of some of the funnier email sign-offs that we here at JTC Inc. have shared with each other over the past few months. If you love it (and who wouldn't) you can check out last year's post (which also has links to all previous versions).

On with the show (and if you keep your eyes peeled, you may even see a couple of G20-related ones in there):

Odds and ends: The best place to slaughter a pig, and make her open the boxJune 3

Hi folks! We are not dead! Although that news may disappoint our reader (pluralizing that word always feels like I am being too optimistic about our fan base), we are just being the lazy muppets that our soul-crushing Corporate jobs have trained us to be. So to break the silence, here are two items for now:

The best place to slaughter a pig

So my co-board members and pretty much everyone I know often gest playfully at my (poor commitment to) vegetarianism. Most comments are related to me ruining every meal, or revolve around linkages between my purported homosexuality and choice not to eat anything that had parents (or sometimes, anything that casts a shadow). Often I still find ways to take pride in my efforts to curb the environmental impacts of our absurd overconsumption of meat, surprisingly, but unfortunately, some fuckers still have to find a way to make vegetarianism as fluffy as a kitten, and as a result, not helping my gayputation. Other than slaughtering a pig in the middle of Yonge street in front of this parade in protest of it, I could easily spend hours thinking up incredibly hilarious anti-vegetarian signs and or costumes, and write about them here for your enjoyment. But as mentioned off the top, I am way too lazy, so this is it kids. Speaking of cock-teasing...

Make her open the box

Not much to this one, but driving past this make

Iceland: When you’re covered in lava, it might be time to rethink your nameApril 15

The world’s largest air traffic hub, Heathrow, grinds to a halt as the UK and surrounding areas are engulfed in plumes of ashes from an Icelandic eruption. It’s quite a story, and shows how Mother Nature can get in between you and your discount European dreams (so respect her, dammit!). But what the press is missing is root cause analysis. While the impact on us flying fat cats is some good infotainment of it’s own, I implore you to consider what might have contributed to this situation. I’ve run the numbers, and can confirm it’s due to a number of factors.

Factor 1: Plate Tectonics
They’re plates. Bigger than dinner plates. They have liquid hot stuff underneath them. They move around. That molten stuff gets restless and squeaks out like a giant pimple out of the earth’s crust. God (obviously) comes down and squeezes the white (in this case, red and smokey) pimple head, and then the pimple heals. But it doesn’t really go away. It’s one of those problem pimples, the ones that keep coming back. Leaves a scar when you’re older. Then you see a dermatologist, and all they want to do is give you drugs. But you don’t take them, and you have a scar that reminds you of the days when you had a lot of pimples, but not so much anymore, because you’re older, and suddenly getting older isn’t so bad. That’s exactly how it works. Class dismissed.

Factor 2: Bjork
She’s Icelandic. Her music

Study: Heavy marijuana use can reduce your knowledge of eastern-European geographyFebruary 27

Walking the pooch tonight prior to the Canada-Slovakia Olympic semi-final men’s hockey game, I was trailing a neighbour (one of those who you recognize but don't know too well) as he was on the sidewalk and was also taking a stroll in my mixed euro-centric neighbourhood. He’s a grizzly old man I’ve shared conversation with many times before, and tonight he was decked out in a very odd-looking hockey shirt and toque, probably making his way out on a wintry night for a little takeout and what not.

Anyhow, the ‘hood is peppered with the university housing crowd, being close to the University of Toronto, which often offers an interesting community and contrast to these populous mid-century European settlers. But tonight the melting pot was stirred a little briskly as he passed by a student house that was obviously running a bender-factory inside, with a few diplomatic representatives manning the porch.

Here is my first-hand recollection of the dialogue from ten meters back of the old man:

Guy on porch, spotting the hockey shirt on the old man, and smoking a cigar-sized ‘phatty’: “Dude – what the fuck!”

Other guy on porch (looking like he’s splitting the same atoms): ”Dude – What?” (excessive pointing at old man)

Third guy on porch (joining the Mensa convention): “Dude! Dude is wearing a Slovenian fucking hockey shirt dude!” (Small note: In certain cultures, “Dude” can be used twice in t

Killer Whale Stuns World By KillingFebruary 25

As many of you may have heard, a tragedy occurred this week at SeaWorld in Florida, when one of the resident Killer Whales turned on one of its trainers, killing her in front of a horrified audience.


Horror turned to outrage when it later became apparent that this particular Killer Whale had previously been involved in the killing of two other humans.

In response, I'd like to suggest the following course of action:

1) We need to change the name of this terrible species to ensure that the possible consequences of treating one like a pet are fully appreciated. I'd like to suggest 'Murderer Whale' or 'Really Dangerous Whale'.

2) More specifically, the whale involved in this incident at SeaWorld should be forced to leave its cushy spa-like home with it's small, cozy water tank and multiple daily performances for a lonely life of solitude in the wide expanse of the world's oceans. I mean, if we give the impression that a Killer Whale killing someone is okay, who the hell knows where that will lead us.