Toluu

Andy Ihnatko's Celestial Waste of Bandwidth (BETA)

The blog of Andy Ihnatko, internationally-beloved technology pundit.

Amazon Advent Calendar Day 05: “Primitive”Yesterday

Primitive

The Cramps

Psychedelic Jungle

Genre: Rock/Punk

Amazon MP3: Primitive

Never was a song so aptly named. Just listen to the sample. This tune crawls along on its belly and eats dirt. And just as your mind boggles that a species as unevolved as this could possibly have survived for the past 150,000 years, it’s made it to the grassline, clamps onto your ankle with razor-sharp teeth, and drags you clawing and screaming back into the swamp. And that’s the last anybody ever saw of you.

That’s to say: this melody is unsophisticated and uncomplicated and the whole works is probably powered by little more than a brainstem and a two-chambered heart. But it gets the job done, dammit.

And as a Big Stupid Male, I can attest that “Primitive” fits in that broad musical genre that has no accepted name

Amazon Advent Calendar Day 04: “Stay With Me”December 3

Stay With Me (Single Version)

Lorraine Ellison

Best of Loma Records-Rise and Fall of a 1960’s Soul Label

Genre: Soul

Buy from Amazon MP3: Stay With Me (Single Version)

Utterly remarkable. “Stay With Me Baby” is an utterly, utterly remarkable song.

In fact, this song blows me away to such a degree that only upon a second reading of this opening paragraph do I realize that the word “utterly” means “to the extreme degree,” and therefore duplicating the word emphasizes nothing. Except perhaps my complete indifference towards grammar.

Come to think of it, the word “remarkable” has no varying degrees either. I really ought to just strike the adjectives entirely.

I seem to have wandered off the trail, here.

Well, “Stay With Me Baby” tends to have that effect. This song p

Amazon Advent Calendar Day 03: “I Am My Own Grandpa”December 2

Text link: Amazon MP3: “I Am My Own Grandpa (by the Asylum Street Spankers)”

Yesterday the mailman delivered a CD of Mozart recital arias performed by by favorite opera singer. And it’s not as if Mozart’s Die Entführung aus dem Serail doesn’t show off the composer’s flair for creating works that are relevant to the common man. I’m just saying that as pretty as “La finta semplice: Senti l’eco, ove t’aggiri Martern aller Arten” is, it doesn’t urge you to bounce up and down on top of a cider barrel while clicking two spoons together in a rhythmic fashion.

Yes, “I Am My Own Grandpa” is hillbilly music, plain and simple. Viz the sharp, satisfying melody, the deft picking, the nonlinear family tree as illustrated by the lyrics:

Oh, many, many years ago When I was twenty-three I was married to a widow Who was pretty as can be This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red My father fell in love with her And soon the two were wed This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life For my daughter was my mother 'Cause she was my father's wife To complicate the matter Thou

Amazon Advent Calendar Day 02: “The Song That Goes Like This”December 1

Text link: Monty Python’s “Spamalot” (Original Broadway Cast Recording)

It’s possible that you’ve never gone to a play or a musical, so I’ll just need to explain two things.

First: [painless but meaningful slap across face]

Okay? You ought to go the theater and see a show every now and then.

I acknowledge that it’s kind of a big deal to spend $30-$80 on a theater ticket. To say nothing of parking, dinner, five bucks for a gin and tonic in the theater bar during intermission, four bucks at the newsstand across the way because you’ve just noticed that People’s “Sexiest Man Alive” issue just came out and you still don’t know if you made the cut this year or not. But really, your first show is something you look back on as one of those slap-on-the-head, why-didn’t-I-do-this-sooner moments.

And if you’re visiting New York, there’s absolutely no excuse. Wait in line at the newly-refurbished TKTS booth in Times Square for an hour or maybe 90 minutes and you can take your pick of a dozen or more fine shows at half-price on the same day of performance. If you’re willing to show up

Amazon Advent Calendar, Day 01: “The Big Bang Theory Theme”November 30

(Text link: Big Bang Theory Theme)

Happy Advent Sunday! And you’re all good Catholics, so of course you understood that the Amazon Advent Calendar wouldn’t begin until today.

But if we’re all good Catholics, then we must be wondering why I’m abusing this season to promote the enjoyment of pagan rhythms while steering filthy luchre into my Amazon Associates coffers. Point taken.

I shall make up for this disrespectful gesture by opening the Advent Calendar with a tribute to another good Catholic: Monsignor Georges Henri Joseph Édouard Lemaître, the priest who first proposed the theory for the origins of the Universe that would later be called the Big Bang Theory.

He failed to accompany his Theory with a peppy theme song. So I guess they don’t teach you everything at seminary.

Yes, I am quite the nut for this show. It’s as if Chuck Lorre dropped my photo onto a CBS programming executive’s desk and announced “We’re going to make a show that THIS guy will absolutely love.”

The executive pulled the photo closer and examined it.

He was skeptical.

“Does THIS guy buy