Toluu

Stuff White People Like

This blog is devoted to stuff that white people like

#116 Black Music that Black People Don’t Listen to AnymoreNovember 19

All music genres go through a very similar life cycle: birth, growth, mainstream acceptance, decline, and finally obscurity.  With black music, however, the final stage is never reached because white people are work tirelessly to keep it alive.  Apparently, once a music has lost its relevance with its intended audience, it becomes MORE relevant to white people.

Historically speaking, the music that white people have kept on life support for the longest period of time is Jazz.  Thanks largely to public radio, bookstores, and coffee shops, Jazz has carved out a niche in white culture that is not yet ready to be replaced by Indie Rock.  But the biggest role that Jazz plays in white culture is in the white fantasy of leisure. All white people believe that they prefer listening to jazz over watching television.  This is not true.

Every few a months, a white person will put on some Jazz and pour themselves a glass of wine or scotch and tell themselves how nice it is.  Then they will get bored and watch television or write emails to other white people about how nice it was to listen to Jazz at home.  “Last night, I poured myself a gla

#115 Promising to Learn a New LanguageNovember 9

Throughout history, white people have a pretty poor record when it comes to promises (see Americans, Native for examples).  Thankfully, modern white people are trying to erase the shame of the past by making promises to themselves that they will never keep.

Writing a novel, going vegan, or sending their future kid to public school are just a few of these great breakable promises.  But by far the most common self improvement promise is to learn a new language.

This plan is first formulated when white people realize that two years of college Italian does not confer fluency.  For the most part, these classes will only teach a white person how to order food in a restaurant, ask for a train schedule, and over pronounce words when they are mixed into English. Amazingly this small amount of proficiency is more than enough to warrant inclusion on a resume under “spoken languages.”

For many white people the lack of a second language is their greatest secret shame.  It fills them with so much shame that they will literally spend the rest of their lives promising to learn a new language, but not so much shame that they will actually

#114 AmericaNovember 5

Posted in Uncategorized      

#113 HalloweenOctober 30

When it comes to holidays, there are few that white people like more than Halloween.  This is in spite of the fact that white people are required to spend almost the entire year preparing for it.  But unlike Thanksgiving or Christmas, the preparation requires little emotional labor.  Though it does require extensive physical and mental labor along with a fair amount of research thrown in for good measure.

Halloween is so important to white people because they have to wear a costume.  It is a chance to literally show everyone how clever you are without having to say a word.  This makes it especially important to single white people as one well thought out costume could produce enough romantic interest to last through the winter.
For this reason any white Halloween Party is less of a celebration than it is a contest.  And as with any contest, there are a lot of rules.

The first thing you need to know that white people are the only people on the planet who will dress up as a concept.  So while  your initial thoughts about a costume might be “cowboy,” “policeman,” or “Count Dracula,” white people are more likely to think �

#112 HummusOctober 28

When it comes to food, all white people are either allergic to/or have stopped eating everything you consider delicious.  It’s a good idea to come to grips with the concept, because it will save you a lot of headaches.

But when white people come to your house, you are forced to deal with the problem in a very real, very immediate sense.  You will be trapped with their dietary restrictions and they will be trapped with the contents of your kitchen.  You can mediate this situation by stocking your pantry with dozens of complicated and expensive snacks.  Or you could take the easy way out and just buy a tub of hummus.

All white people like hummus.  In fact, if you find a white person who does not like hummus then they probably just haven’t tasted it or they are the wrong kind of white person.  In either case, they are probably not someone that you want to know.

Putting out a plate of hummus and pita makes white people very comfortable.  It reminds them of home since at any given time a white person has hummus in their fridge.  Even the most barren white refrigerator will have a package of the stuff next to an empty Brita filter.