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The Empire Blog

Rants, raves and randomness from the Empire office

The Most Annoying Character Ever?

In between the usual Christmas pastimes (inept gift-wrapping, constant eating, wondering how starved of entertainment you’d have to be to tune into The World’s Strongest Man), I watched a stack of Blu-rays. These included Speed Racer (underrated — and awesome in high-def), Band Of Brothers, WALL-E and a few early Bonds. Then, on New Year’s Day, Empire’s John Hitchcox proffered an idea which seemed harmless, if not inspired, at the time: a viewing of the whole Spider-Man trilogy on Blu-ray in one go. It started well — we oohed and aahed at intricately detailed radioactive-spider webs, high-fived shots of Spidey swinging through a glittering Manhattan, and shuddered at the sight of Kirsten Dunst’s snaggly fangs in 1080p. But over the course of the following 6+ hours, it dawned on me that the experience wasn’t going to be nearly as fun as I’d hoped. Why? Because of the lingering, malignant presence of one character. One so irritating, so odious, ...

My Favourite Christmas Movie: The Muppet Christmas Carol

Now, running after Brazil, Die Hard and Uncle Buck, touting of The Muppet Christmas Carol as my favourite festive movie just seems unimaginative. But I put this to you, that unlike all the others, this film leaves no one - not the poor, the old, the young, the cast-out - no one, still uttering ‘Bah Humbug’ by the time the credits roll. Having watched it twice already this festive season, I can fully vouch for the power of this all singing, all dancing, all encompassing tale of the misery-guts who finds Christmas. It has cheesy sing-along songs; pitch-perfect one-liners (“light the lamp, not the rat”); Beaker and Bunsen as the least offensive charity-muggers known to man; and Michael Caine hamming it up with a blob of mustard on top. What is not to love? Some may say there is even something phantasmically endearing about the fiendishly foetal Ghost of Christmas Past... Song-wise, The Muppet Christmas Carol outstrips every other original Christmas film score, an...

My Favourite Christmas Movie: It's A Wonderful Life

There’s nothing more Christmassy than It’s A Wonderful Life, right? The joyous dash down Main Street, the family sing-song with the whole town gathered to bask in the love of the Bailey family for each other and for their community. Zuzu’s petals, bells that ring to signal the receipt by an angel of his or her wings, O Come All Ye Faithful by the Christmas tree – it’s cinematic brandy butter, rich and sweet and surely bad for you. But the thing is, all of this joy and happiness is so hard-earned that the last thing that It’s A Wonderful Life feels is schmaltzy or sweet. Most of the two-hour running time is deeply depressing stuff, first the gentle erosion of dreams by reality and then the truly nightmarish vision of a world turned upside down, day into night and right into wrong. No wonder it didn’t connect with post-War audiences, no wonder it was overlooked at the Oscars. It’s, like, a total downer dude. For me, it’s the firs...

My Favourite Christmas Movie: Die Hard

Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen… To me, nothing says Christmas more than breaking a Euro-terrorist’s neck, putting a Santa hat on his dead body and writing Ho-Ho-Ho on his jumper. I’m not entirely sure what that says about Christmas Day at my house, or indeed whether I should be allowed out in public, but here I am in an attempt to convince every one of the Empire faithful that instead of tuning in to watch the EastEnders Christmas special or listen to some reality TV ‘superstar’ murder destroy warble her way through a classic in an attempt to reach the Christmas number one spot, I suggest that you sit back, relax and put on a DVD. Not just any DVD, mind you, but that most awesome of Christmas movies, Die Hard. When someone mentions Christmas you’re probably going to think of candy canes, mince pies and a fat bloke in a red suit. Die Hard, on the other hand, gives you watered-down champagne, Twinkies and a ...

My Favourite Christmas Movie: Uncle Buck

The best thing about Christmas isn’t the presents. It isn’t the week off work. It isn’t even the time you spend with loved ones. Nope, the absolute best thing about Yuletide is the movies on television. But I’m not talking about the BBC premieres of the big blockbusters that this year — as the snappily edited montage tells us — include a Pirates sequel, a Narnia flick, Wallace And Gromitt and Singer’s Superman revamp. I’m talking about the films that clog up the schedules in the afternoon, the sandwich filling between the Find A Bargain In Your Attic And See What It’s Worth At Auction programmes and The Highlights Of Bill Oddie’s Year In Nature programmes. But I’m not even talking about recognised Christmas classics like The Wizard Of Oz or The Great Escape (what says Christmas more than the Nazis building an escape-proof prison camp?). The movies I love to watch on telly over Christmas are mid-range ‘80s to &lsq...