Toluu

The Bloggess

What the critics are saying about this blog: "It's fine." ~My husband

I’m starting to question why I even have minions to begin with.Yesterday

Y’all are the worst minions ever. 

Honestly, I ask you for one little thing, to vote me into being funniest blog in the universe and I came in 7th.  Out of 10.  And now the cheating starts because the first 24 hours is over and now everyone who already voted can vote again for some reason so I’m just going to concede now to the Comics Curmudgeon.  Who drowns kittens.  In a bag made out of the Canadian flag.  And then he eats their tender kitten bits after he roasts them on a spit made especially for kittens.  OVER A FIRE MADE OUT OF AMERICAN FLAGS.  So, good job, y’all.   Try not to think about how many kittens will die in his victory feast and how this is all your fault.

Also, I just want to point out that I have 5700 followers on twitter and only got 547 votes so that means that 90% of my followers couldn’t be bothered to push a button, and also 87% of my followers are “Life Coaches” for some reason, so I can only surmise from this that all Life Coaches want people to commit suicide.  Never hire one.  Unless you want to commit suicide.  Or lose a blogging contest.  Apparently.

And don’t think this is a cry for more votes because swear-to-God, I’m out.  The whole thing was embarrassing and I want to just move on.  Instead I’d like

If I were you I wouldn’t read this.January 6

So apparently you’re supposed to do a 2008 year-in-review post on your blog but no one told me about it so I’m doing it late but it’s awesome because it’s a post that I don’t really have to write.  Just one that I have to research, analyze, link to and introduce.  And you get to read reruns.  Yay!  We both lose.

The most popular most viewed bloggess posts in 2008:

1.    So I got a box in the mail filled with 80 body parts.

2.  An open letter to Apple regarding dead hobo fingers

3.  A letter to my very anal husband who is asleep in the other room

4.  Naked pictures of me

5.  The fruit test

6.  Best scooter ever (Updated again)

7.  And now I totally want a pet chicken

8.  This is the third post I’ve written today and I want a medal (alternate title - How to deal with trolls)

9.  My cat is worse than global warming.

10.  The post where I finally get sued

Also, in completely unsurprising news, I’m getting my ass handed to me in the Best Humor Blog Contest by the Comics Curmugeon.  In brighter news though I got sort of featured in an Ill Doctrine video.  Not in the “Old Person’s Guide to ‘No Homo’” video, which is my personal favorite…

The time I got disqualified for an award moments after it was announced.January 4

Last week I kept getting emails from the Blogher Ad network telling me I needed to check a box to agree to the new lower rates so I emailed them back:

I’m thinking I may take a break from Blogher ads for a bit.  I’m going to say that I’m going to look into private ads but then not actually do anything about it because I’m lazy but I’ll keep talking about how I’m definitely going to do it and then several months later I’ll realize that I’m way too irresponsible to try to get private advertisers and I’ll want to come back to Blogher ads but then when I go to click on the box accepting the lower rates it will be gone and instead will be replaced with a message that says “Screw you, loser!  That’s what you get for not checking the box back when we told you to!”  Then I’ll be sad and quit blogging for a few months to backpack around Europe.  And by “backpack around Europe” I mean “start doing crack”.  Because I can’t afford Europe but I heard crack is quite cheap.  Of course, I *would* be able to afford Europe if I got private ads which I’m sure I will get whenever I actually start working on that.  Next week…or maybe the week after.  Hey, are you guys interested in running private ads on my blog advertising Blogher ads to other people?  Like maybe a flashing banner that says “If you don’t run blogher ads your vagina will fall out.”  I charge $500,000 a year.  Maybe less.  $100,000?

This is one of those posts about how you can make money off your blog but instead of money you get a coupon for a burritoDecember 31 2008

Victor says I can’t stay home and drink myself to death until I’m making more than $100 a month on my blog so this week I sent out my first real business proposal and Victor was all “So how goes the blog sales?” and I’m all “Awesome.  I’m in discussions with a mucky-muck at Chipotle” and then he looks over my shoulder at the email and is all “WHY ARE YOU DISCUSSING MIDGET PORN ON A BUSINESS PROPOSAL?” like that never happens to him.  It happens, people.  In fact, if you plan on getting private ads this is totally going to happen to you too.  My current negotiations:

Dear Chipotle,
I have a blog that is about ninjas, sasquatch, vagina mittens and other pressing issues.  Shockingly, it is quite popular and is in the technorati top 2,800 which is very impressive but only to about 2800 other people. 

I love your burritos so much so that when I don’t go to Chipotle the people there worry that I’m sick.  It’s kind of awesome if by “awesome” you mean “embarrassing in front of other people”.  If you sponsor my blog I could create some amazing ads, much like the one I have up on my blog right now, which claims that your burritos cure polio.  Also, thank you for curing polio.  Also, I have no fact checker.  And I’m a little drunk. 

Have you ever considered advertising on bizarre blogs that ma

If my liver doesn’t stop making me look old I will personally remove it with a spoon.December 30 2008

So remember last week when my finger was swelling up and I thought it was cancer piñata?  Turns out my doctor says it’s not cancer piñata because that’s not a real disease (yet) and instead she diagnosed me with rheumatoid arthritis.  The day after I officially hit my mid-thirties.  Then like 10 minutes later I got this email from Amazon:

Okay, seriously, what the fuck?!  I don’t even own season one, Amazon.  You guys are assholes.

So then I emailed Victor at his office downstairs…

Me: The doctor says the tests indicate I probably have rheumatoid arthritis.  She wants me to see a rheumatologist.

Victor:  Seriously, Isn’t that an old people disease?   

Me:  Come here and I will beat the shit out of you with my cane.

Victor:  I was coming up there but I tripped on the cord to your heating pad.

This is the reason why the elderly don’t like to use the computer.  And then right after that the head spokesperson for Chipotle sent me an email requesting that I not send