Toluu : Natalie

Natalie

Back to Basic

I was over here, reading a post about how a self-described doormat suddenly got balls and as I was mentally cheering her on, I realized that I am her opposite. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a 180 pound ball of aggression (I told you I only maintained during the holidays, remember?), but when I feel like I, or someone close to me is being wronged, I get this rush of adrenaline that if not kept in check, can turn me into a fire breathing dragon whose name isn’t “Puff”.

This is actually one of my New Year’s resolutions, to simmer down. Scratch that, it is something I renewed with the New Year, because I’ve really been working on it for a while. The Qwest representative that dealt with me for the entire month of December might tell you I’m failing miserably, but I really am getting better. For example, it took me a full three weeks before I finally blew my top and yes, my anger was warranted, but I don’t like it.

The thing that pisses me off the most about this trait is that when I am not angry, I am shy. Seriously? Why can’t I be shy when I’m angry and a social butterfly the rest of the time?

Here is where I admit that I watch The Real Housewives of Orange County and you all laugh and point your finger at me and pretend that

Ready to RumbleJanuary 6

I think the biggest saboteur of my current mindset is the lack of routine I’ve had since coming back from Disneyland. After Disneyland, I got sick, then Jacob got sick and when we got healthy, the holidays were here. I don’t think I worked a full week in December. I’m not complaining, but I used to be a fly by the seat of my pants kind of gal and now I don’t thrive unless I know what’s coming. When I fall off of my routine, I make choices that I shouldn’t necessarily be making; like gorging myself to the point that I have to get up in the middle of the night to go for a walk, in an attempt to force the food down before it comes up.

Everyone says I look like I’ve lost more weight, but the bloated feeling in my belly is telling me that it’s all an act, that I’m really just gearing up to put on ten pounds if I don’t watch it. Of course, falling off routine means that the exercise was more infrequent than frequent, but I’ll still give myself credit for going at all. My typical routine consists of three days on, one day off, lather, rinse, repeat. My December routine was more like, three days on, four days off, one day on, two days off. I sat on my butt sipping wine and martini’s more often than I worked out.

I’m not kicking myself in the ass, because I gave myself permission to be slovenly and gluttonous for the holidays, but my body definitely feels the difference and I am ready to get back on track. Right now, eve

ObligatoryJanuary 1

Last year, I didn’t make any resolutions until June, so technically, I can just go ahead and pretend that I don’t need to make any now.

After all, what are resolutions if your heart isn’t into it?

BUT! The sense of accomplishment I already feel is actually motivating me to tackle NEW goals, or perhaps just modify and update existing ones.

My heart is into it.

For the first time in a long time, I’m not relieved to say goodbye to a year. Even though this year had its up and downs, overall, it was good to me and I’m looking forward to making 2009 even better.

I’m going to keep the details of my resolutions to myself, mostly because they are too complicated, personal and maybe even a little silly, to write down. I’m going to continue improving upon what has already been improved, inside and out. Basically, I’m going to start farting rainbows and wearing makeup in public.

Happy New Year!!!!!!!

FunkyDecember 30 2008

I’m in a funk. I’ve hesitated to admit this for several weeks, but there it is. I tried to cover it up with Christmas Joy, and it worked right up until the paper came off the packages.

I can’t put my finger on any one thing and I know that this is just a passing mood, but that doesn’t mean I like having to deal with it. I’ve got a lot on my mind, but I can’t seem to put it all into words without feeling like it’s too much; so, I just ditch it with no sense of satisfaction at all. I want to tell you about all of the injustices of the world and how I can’t believe that certain people get to call themselves human, but writing it out isn’t making it any better.

So, here I sit, staring at draft after draft, never hitting publish, asking myself if I’ve reached the end of my blog days. I haven’t, but everything is so quiet now that I wonder if the collective mood of our world hasn’t hit every last one of us in our gut. I find myself Twittering mostly negative things, when what I really want to be doing is spreading light.

This too shall pass, I know, and I am grateful for many things in my life. It’s just a funk, a silly little funk, and if I nurture myself like I know I need

Merry ChristmasDecember 25 2008

Right now, the scent of cranberries, cinnamon and ginger permeate our dwelling, and I am breathing in comfort. My child is settled in for his winter’s nap and the gifts are in place. The turkey is thawed (enough) and the Vodka is opened. Despite a rough start, laughter reigned tonight, and if I have my way, it will reign tomorrow.

I hope your holiday is as wonderful as ours hopes to be.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!