Toluu

5ives

Merlin's Lists of Five Things

Five terrible fake Jane Austen novelsAugust 19

1. Rash and Rationality
2. Punk and Punctuality
3. Beast and Bestiality
4. Funk and Functionality
5. Fried and Credulous

Five rejected names for Austin BBQ restaurantsAugust 19

1. The Saltiest Joint
2. Suck the Bone
3. Unexpectedly Covered in Sauce
4. Bar-B-Q*bert
5. Texas Pete’s Rootin’, Tootin’ Pulled Pork ‘n’ Fellatio Funfactory

Five records I wish I could have sung backup onAugust 19

1. “You Didn’t Have to Be So Nice” by The Lovin’ Spoonful
2. “Wall of Death” by Richard & Linda Thompson
3. “Rocks Off” by The Rolling Stones
4. anything by Neil Young & Crazy Horse
5. “The Village Green Preservation Society” by The Kinks

Five occupations whose uniform I think I’d enjoy wearingAugust 19

1. barber
2. MUNI driver
3. flight attendant
4. kung-fu master
5. deceased fried chicken entrepreneur

Five things that should be issued to every American on his or her 14th birthdayJuly 19

1. condoms (and instruction on how and when to use/not use them)
2. The Elements of Style by Strunk and White
3. phone number of a super-cool, non-panicky adult (who will get you out of the jams your parents must never learn of)
4. Surfer Rosa by Pixies
5. iPod on which to listen to Surfer Rosa at painfully loud volume