Toluu

5ives

Merlin's Lists of Five Things

Five terrible fake Jane Austen novelsAugust 19 2008

1. Rash and Rationality
2. Punk and Punctuality
3. Beast and Bestiality
4. Funk and Functionality
5. Fried and Credulous

Five rejected names for Austin BBQ restaurantsAugust 19 2008

1. The Saltiest Joint
2. Suck the Bone
3. Unexpectedly Covered in Sauce
4. Bar-B-Q*bert
5. Texas Pete’s Rootin’, Tootin’ Pulled Pork ‘n’ Fellatio Funfactory

Five things that should be issued to every American on his or her 14th birthdayJuly 19 2008

1. condoms (and instruction on how and when to use/not use them)
2. The Elements of Style by Strunk and White
3. phone number of a super-cool, non-panicky adult (who will get you out of the jams your parents must never learn of)
4. Surfer Rosa by Pixies
5. iPod on which to listen to Surfer Rosa at painfully loud volume

Five unusual Top Chef production crew titlesJune 9 2008

1. Fauxhawk Sharpener
2. Timpani Dramaticizer
3. Molecular Gastronomy Re-explainer
4. Foam Consultant
5. Clog Wrangler

Five poetic phrases culled from Joe McConnell’s Bay Area radio traffic reportJune 9 2008

1. slow in pockets
2. jackknifed big rig
3. backed-up to the maze
4. Friday-light
5. goat on the shoulder