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The Only Thing I Know: [Judith]

A liberal, tattooed, bibliophile, slacker mom of three talks about the only thing she knows everything about... Nothing.

Speechless Wednesday… It's like Wordless Wednesday, 'cept different.Yesterday

This blog is filed under the category of "Porn" over at StumbleUpon.*

And I discovered it at this site yesterday, where it's listed with the top tag of "Demerol".

Porn and Demerol.

Yeah… This whole "Mommy Blog" gig?

Totally in the bag.

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*I'm absolutely certain that this has nothing to do with Naked David  Beckham. Because Naked David Beckham can do no wrong.  At least not on this pornographically drug-filled mommy blog, that is.

        

… Ahhh. MILF. I get it. Sort of.January 5

The new barista at my favorite Starbucks asked me out last week.

Normally, when this sort of thing happens, I'll quickly decline, explain that I'm married, and then re-consider my decision to wear the anniversary ring that my husband bought me a few years ago rather than the wedding set that I stopped wearing due to my fear that it would slice off an infant arm or two.

This time, however, I stuttered a bit over my answer…

Not because I was tempted to accept, of course. (Although I readily admit that I do look rather fondly upon any man who is handing me coffee, jewelry, books, tiramisu, or mix tapes.)

But because I was in the drive-thru.

In the Big Rolling Va-Jay-Jay.

Complete with carseats.

And various laminated name signs that you use to pick up your children from school.

Which I've literally taped to the windshield so that I won't lose them.

In fact, all that I was missing was either a baby attached my breast or a contracting uterus in order to make the entire scene straight out of some public service

After All… I'm Sure Dr. Phil Already Has a Blog.January 3

About eight years ago, some smart person somewhere decided to send a little scraggly-looking elementary student equipped with a pair of those terrible and ominous puppy-dog eyes to my doorstep to hock one of those stupid $20 coupon books that nobody ever uses.

Well… nobody except that person who really really wants to save that ten cents off of his burrito platter at the local texmex place, of course.

I positively loathe those coupon books. I loathe the people who thought up the idea of those coupon books. I loathe the mothers of the people who thought up the idea of those coupon books, even.

But I'm a total sucker for the terrible and ominous puppy-dog eyes, so I always find myself  forking out the twenty bucks like a good ol' schmuck and promptly sending it along to its well-deserved fate amongst the other forgotten treasures that live deep within my kitchen junk drawer.

This particular loathsome coupon book, the one that was hocked by a little scraggly-looking elementary student equipped with a pair of those terrible and ominous puppy-dog eyes on my doorstep eight years ago (not to be confused with the one that was hocked by a little scraggly-looking elementary student equipped with a pair of those terrible and ominous puppy-dog eyes on my doorstep five years ago), just so happened to have a nifty little coupon for a free oil change at a local mechanic.

Free. Oil. Change.

Yeah. Eat That, Mr. Burrito Hut.

With a little

Out with the Old…December 31 2008

Today…

Some of my favorite moments from 2008 à la Holly.

Tomorrow…

A few resolutions served up Shakespeare-style.

The Next Day…

A real, live, actual blog post— with, like, paragraphs and stuff. Perhaps even proper punctuation.

January 2008: Her Baby Hobbit Feet

February 2008: You Might Live By Rednecks if...

March 2008: Beautiful Girls

… that sounds so much better when McDreamy says it.December 17 2008

You know that point where "Dude, did you move again" meets "Yes, but I only signed a three month lease on this place because we'll hopefully find a house in that time. Not to mention the fact that it's more expensive than any apartment has a right to be— even if it is bigger than my last house. So I'll totally be doing this again shortly and then, no doubt, filling you all in with the gory details via another blog post that mimics an insurance commercial?"

I'm there.

Actually… I'm here.

Somewhere in all of these boxes.

Please send help.

And vodka.