Toluu

fourfour

and everybody's a freak

I've seen the future and it looks like this:Yesterday

Continuing on the thread about the ravages of fame, I'd like just briefly to consider Edy Williams, an old Hollywood starlet back from when there was such a thing, who scared the shit out of everyone in Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, but went on to marry Russ Meyer anyway. She tried for over two decades to carve out an acting career, and when that didn't work, she resorted to wearing outrageous, often nipple-revealing outfits at Cannes and on the red carpet of the Oscars. Funny that she resorted to reality TV tactics only after she'd been discarded by the system. These days, it's usually before.

And that's the thing: there are a lot of similarities between yesterday's b-movie scene (particularly those in Meyer's camp) and today's reality TV counterpart. Both groups were cultivated in a self-sufficient bubble whose participants had/have little chance of escaping. Moreover, it struck me while watching scenes from Edy's 1990 embarrassment Bad Girls from Mars, that being made to rhapsodize the aphrodisiac qualities of the smell of garbage is about as humiliating as your average ANTM challenge. 

Unlike the rest of Meyer's stable of weirdos (non-actors who seem as though they'd be perfectly content in their freakishness with or without the movies and who seem to look back on their "heyday" with humor instead of desperation), Williams strikes me as particularly tragic, as sort of a broad that time forgot, who tried so hard and failed so spectacularly (you know things are bad when one of the highlights of your resume is a People's Court case that you lost). I feel like she could very much be a human forecast for the sadness ahead of the half- and quarter-stars (I hope you read that in an Ed McMahon voice!) that populate our pop culture today and please me so. At least we laugh now?

It makes sense that the Internet is lacking in Edy footage, but it still saddens me. I recently dug up the Russ Meyer E! True Hollywood Story I taped in college and clipped the footage of her talking. Note that she compares herself to not one but two major stars in the course of, like, two minutes:

The real WrestlerJanuary 6

Despite my immediate unabashed love for it, The Wrestler left me feeling a bit disoriented. Besides a character study, it's angled to be a cultural one, as well, via scenes of wrestlers outlining choreography before matches, barely attended would-be conventions in V.F.W. halls, a post-match party replete with groupies, etc. Its investment in reality made me wonder who exactly the Randy "The Ram" Robinson referenced. His real-American, eternally victorious persona in the ring reminded me of Hulk Hogan, but then, Hogan was able to parlay his popularity into ongoing exposure (I hasten to use the word "relevance") and millions. At no point would you catch the Hulkster begging the manager of his trailer park to open his bolted double wide so he could grab his ice packs (now, that is a reality show I'd want to see). After some research online (since my knowledge of professional wrestling barely extends beyond Hulk), people have compared the down-on-his-luck Ram to Ric Flair, Lex Luger and Bret Hart.

But the most salient parallel must be with Jake "The Snake" Roberts, whose downward spiral is chronicled vividly in the 1999 wrestling documentary Beyond the Mat. I watched that movie recently and holy shit is it entirely amazing: instantly one of my favorite docs of all time. You want extreme human behavior? This one has it not just in spades; it's also in tights. While I suggest taking in the whole thing, especially if you are a fan of bitch tits and people who naturally exude a Revenge of the Nerds Boogerishness (i.e. Mick "Mankind" Foley), I discovered that someone uploaded all the Jake the Snake footage to YouTube, so you can watch just that stuff below.

From his family history (he says he was conceived by rape, his sister was kidnapped and murdered, and his stepfather was electrocuted) to his open pissing backstage at a mat to his easy distraction (a lot of people regard this as the film's highlight), there's a lot to gawk at here. Enjoy!

fourfour's 44+ reasons to love 2008 (Part 5 - 4-1)January 2

At last, we've come to the end. I can't believe how ridiculously time-consuming this thing was! It was seriously like packing a year into a week. Actually, take the "like" out and that sentence is just as accurate.

Reason No. 4 - Because MTV finally came around

 

After years of stuffing its lineup with portrayals of twentysomething assholery (The Real World went from a means to help motivated people attain goals to an end for famewhores) MTV subverted vapidness with brilliance via Paris Hilton's My New BFF. As for the other best new reality show of the year, The Paper, it represented the perfecting of something MTV had already proved itself good at: exploring the lives of articulate teens. There's nothing much more to add to the love letters I wrote to both (The Paper is here, Paris is here), although Bikini Corrie's tour de force speech bears repeating:

"I mean, Paris, I plead to you, that you more know so much than anybody else what it's like to have people see something of value and worth and hate you because you're beautiful and you didn't ask for it. I did not ask for this! It was given to me. I used to come home and cry in high school and say, 'Mom, I don't want to be pretty anymore.' And she'd be like, 'You stop it.' Heavy is the head the wears the crown. And, like, you were born into it. I was born the way I am, like...People call me 'Bikini Corrie' back home, because I have earned it! And it's not being cocky, I earned it."

Tracie called this "the best elimination speech in competition-based reality TV programming ever." I'm inclined to agree.

No. 3 - Because Mickey Rourke made me care about him

 

Not that The Wrestler was going to have any trouble sucking me in in the first place, it being about two things I'm obsessed with: the formerly famous and Jersey. Still, as Randy "the Ram" Robinson, Rourke goes beyond the call of duty to deliver maybe my favorite film performance of all time (it's certainly one of the most complicated that I've ever seen, as Rourke is playing at least three roles: the man, the wrestler persona and the actual wrestler). I don't even care that, like, everyone else in the world is fawning over this shit: it's deserving. Ram's character is honest right down to cliched nature (when he asked for, "A cold one," in his strip-club haunt, I swooned).

Darren Aronofsky basically grafted the main points of the 1999 documentary Beyond the Mat onto a comeback story. However, the director wisely lets Rourke run the show (a motif threaded throughout the film finds the camera literally following the Ram's lead, as we watch the back of his head). That devotion to character study is what ultimately makes The Wrestler the best movie of the year. It isn't perfect -- the parallel drawn between the Ram's fading career and that of his aging-stripper object of desire (Marissa Tomei's Pam/Cassidy) is obvious and as hokey as hair metal, for example. And yet, if you look past the bullshit, you can still enjoy this movie wholeheartedly. Just like a professional wrestling match.

No. 2 - Because Mariah Carey made her usual questionable choices public

fourfour's 44+ reasons to love 2008 (Part 4 - 14-5)January 1

I'm posting this later in the day than I have been because, uh, New Year's Eve was last night! Happy New Year! Now, let's get political.

Reason No. 14 - Because John McCain said "cunt" on TV

It's like music to my ears! In all seriousness, I think I've watched this more than Beyond the Valley of the Dolls at this point. Like, more than 100 times! It's much easier to do that with this video since it's about an hour, 59 minutes and 57 seconds shorter than my favorite movie of all time, but still: my love for this is major.

No. 13 - Because Clay Aiken finally told us what we already knew

For years I seethed about Clay's unwillingness to acknowledge his sexuality simply because someone who's touched that much of Middle America in all of its flag-waving, acid-washed, ostensibly homophobic pseudo-glory could change a lot of minds simply by coming out. Then he did it, and I wasn't mad anymore. I don't care that it took him so long (in fact, I'd argue that his feet-dragging may have been an unwitting political tool in itself) -- today, I have nothing but respect for this guy.

No. 12 - Because there was so much disco to score a year so gay

 

Every time I think about how disco was supposedly killed (by suspected gay-bashing, no less), I'm thrilled with how much of this shit is still cranked in so many different styles. In 2008, disco was more alive than ever (thanks especially to a few mainstream pop and R&B permutations). I don't want to get too specific here since I feel a Disco 2008 mix coming, but I will reveal my Top 5 tracks of the genre from this year:

5. Den Haan - Night Shift
4. Database - Dance Like 107
3. Dølle Jølle - Balearic Incarnation Mix (Todd Terje's Extra Doll Mix)
2. Maja - If You Love Me Tonight
1. Polygamy Boys - Black Flower

Honorable mention goes to the Utah Saints remix of Girls' Aloud's "The Loving Kind." It isn't strictly disco (it's more like the most intensely Eurohouse production ever -- seriously, it's like artfully Euro and thus mind-blowing), but the song wouldn't have been possible without it.

No. 11 - Because Rude 66 lived up to and went beyond their name

 

Obviously, dance music is a singles genre (although in this economic and technological climate, what isn't?). That single-arity is particularly pronounced in the business of retro dance music, since those Italo or Chicago "classics" they're echoing were often disposable things from artists who were never heard from again. So many of them were singles artists because they didn't even get as far as an album! And though you accept this as a fan of dance music, when a great dance album comes along, it feels as impossible as magic. Golden Bug, Mr. Oizo and Heartbreak released very good dance albums this year, but Rude 66 unleashed a destined classic. Sadistic Tendencies dabbles in a variety of subgenres (Italo, electro, EBM, bleep techno, acid) that are unified by the titular concept. That thematic nastiness seeps out in hypnotizing a Chicago banger that features a woman describing her association with a serial killer ("Horrified), robovoices repeating the song title "Blood Is Blood" and static-caked Italo that's creepy in its own right, regardless of the weather ("The Thousand Year Storm"). The album is as exploitative as a '70s film score, with each percussive hiss and snip sounding potentially fatal. It's really quite butch...for dance music.

No. 10 - Because Videogum was born

I seriously check this site like it's HuffPo in October. I'd be jealous of Lindsay and Gabe's ability to be so funny so quickly on command, but I'm too busy being entertained.

No. 9 - Because Joseph Julian Soria blew into my life

Or at least, my pop-cultural life. Haywood Jablowme, indeed.

 

 

 

 

 

I'm this close to starting a fan club. This dude brings out the swooning teenage girl in me.

(And yeah, that's the second Hamlet 2 reference on this list. I loved it, so what?)

No. 8 - Because Erykah and Nas made protest music consumable

 

In a year when the political felt particularly personal, Erykah Badu's New Amerykah Part One (4th World War) and Nas' untitled disc were honest instead of opportunistic. Though neither did particularly well on the charts, really what did? Being pissed the fuck off about race relations in '08 gave Nas the kind of focus he apparently needs to make a consistently great album (his arguable first since his debut), while Erykah left us hanging in a thick fog of sound, pining for this set's sequel (at the time of Part One's release, Part Two was set for July -- it's yet to see the light of day and info on it is scant). Come back, guys -- we need more truth!

No. 7 - Because Oprah said, "9,000 penises"

Hysteria became hysterical, thanks to Oprah. The following is what I wrote about this momentous event for Emily Gould's "Screens" project in the New York Times Magazine:

"He doesn't forgive. He does not forget. His group has over 9,000 penises and they're all raping children," said Oprah soberly on the September 19 episode of her talk show, relaying a seeming boast someone had posted on her show's official message board. Unbeknown to Oprah, the note reeked of bogusness. The "do not forgive"/"do not forget" is a part of the calling card of the kinda -sorta e-terrorist group Anonymous, and "9,000" is an oft-repeated and completely boneheaded Internet meme ripped from an episode of Dragonball Z. Oprah, you see, got pwned.

You can't really blame her for not seeing the writing on the board. This was a brilliant illustration of not just a generation gap, but a media canyon that Oprah clearly has no time for -- a one-off awkward shoutout and some promo clips posted on YouTube aside, Harpo Productions routinely raids the site for any contraband clips from her show. And what started on the Internet worked best on the Internet. A 42-second excerpt from the episode of Oprah reading the trolled message tore through YouTube like a Dragonball, netting over 1 million views before it was, of course, yanked*. It spawned countless techno remixes and mash-ups in celebration of Oprah's lack of cyber-savvy.

It's easy to be charmed by such a mistake when it's divorced from the very real, grave context of an show segment about pedophilia. Because in the end, whether you care or know about Anonymous or Dragonball Z, Oprah said, "9,000 penises" on her show and she said it with conviction.

Note: In the time since I wrote this, additional, destined-to-be-deleted clips like the one above have been posted.

This piece, by the way, was rejected by Emily's editor for fear that 90 percent of the publication's audience would find it "incomprehensible." This is why I don't freelance.

No. 6 - Because ohnotheydidn't continued its world (wide web) domination

 

You know the cliche that goes, "unless they've said you're gay, you're no one"? Well, unless ohnotheydidn't has said you're hot, you aren't. (And I mean "hot" to refer to matters physical and vocational.) That's how I view my most-trusted source of mainstream pop culture dissection, which I developed a habit for checking so often in 2008, that I became more of a pervert than a lurker. That's not to say I take it as gospel -- there's too much Kathy Griffin love for my taste (I mean Griffin gifs, seriously?), and the attention devoted to whatever all-time list whatever Internet asshole feels like making can be maddening. Still, for sheer informativeness, breadth of content and ensuing commentary, nothing online could ever do what ONTD does better. Y/y?

No. 5 - Because Surkin taught us how to rave again for the first time

fourfour's 44+ reasons to love 2008 (Part 3 - 24-15)December 31 2008

My heart goes on.

And in other news, beware of exploding bunnies.

Reason No. 24 - Because Frozen River almost made my heart stop

 

This teeny, tiny indie drama from first-time writer-director Courtney Hunt was shot for, like, pocket lint on what gives the appearance of a Fisher Price camera and its central character, Ray (via a soul-chapped performance from Melissa Leo), aspires only as much as the ability to purchase a double-wide for her family. And yet for all of its modest charm, Frozen River has a grandness about its execution (it's set in waaaay upstate New York, it's a greasy hair away from Rob Zombie-level white-trashsploitation) and theme, which mediates on the limits (and/or seeming limitlessness) of mothers' love. That's a subject we're genetically encoded to be able to relate to. Frozen River doesn't tug at your heartstrings, though -- it bundles them into a ball. As Ray finds herself involved in human trafficking to pay off that double wide, her situation grows increasingly desperate, leading up to a mid-movie series of events that all seem to be headed in the worst direction. Seriously, at one point I really thought that everybody (everybody!) was going to die. I won't elaborate because I don't want to deprive anyone of the sheer cinematic enjoyment this Sundance Grand Jury winner delivers. It was by far the most exciting action movie that wasn't actually an action movie that I saw all year.

23. Because Patricia Clarkson devastated in Vicky Cristina Barcelona

I thought VCB was simply beautiful. It served as a vague explanation of Woody Allen's whole leaving-his-wife-for-her-daughter thing (if Husbands and Wives attempted to answer how, 16 years later, this one tackled why). VCB is a wonderfully enjoyable film, hilarious at times (and, underdog-lover that I am, I get certain satisfaction from Penelope Cruz recent rash of brilliant performances after another after being written off as talentless for so long). But I mostly appreciate VCB as polemic. It's advocacy for finding your own path in love, for saying fuck society and not caring about looking ultimately, well, queer. "I can't leave him and I know that I never will. I can't. I'm too scared. The moment's passed," explains that message's counterpoint above. In this case, tragedy is comedy plus heartbreak.

22. Because I learned what "scene" means thanks to Stevie Ryan

My favorite fictional series on YouTube (Gabe & Max don't count, since they're really like that and nothing they do is fictional) this year came via the vlogger formerly (and still sometimes) known as Lil Loca and skewered scene kids in all their mushmouthed MySpaced and modified glory. I actually had no idea what using "scene" as an adjective could possibly imply when this series started coming through my YouTube subscriptions. Now that I do (it's basically the Hot Topic aesthetic gone cool and by cool I mean "cool"), I'm not sure if I'm better off but I know I'm more entertained.

Plus, the bitchy whorey stage-mom thing was the role Chris Crocker was born to play.

21. Because people talked about The Dark Knight so much that I didn't have to

 

Really, what else is there to say about this marvelously competent blockbuster? Besides Batman's funny larynx-in-a-grappling-hook way of talking, I mean. And then there was Maggie Gyllenhaal's utter lack of hotness (sorry, this is mean but she's just not good-looking enough to make a convincing rope for a Christian Bale-Aaron Eckhart tug of war, and her crappy acting did nothing to further justify her appearance in this movie). Oh, and what about the editing rape that totally left the Joker's escape from the interrogation room unexplained. How he went from here...

 

...to here...

 

...will forever remain a mystery. (Unless I'm just dumb and missing something. That's always a possibility.) Regardless, were it not for those three things, I would have ranked this higher. But you know, it's done pretty well even without my fawning. Amazing, I know.

20. Because Hellboy 2 was the best superhero movie of the year

Or, at least, it was the best-looking one...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Utterly Labyrinthine in its parade of bonkers creatures, this movie is pure imagination.

19. Because you'd never be able to tell by its website how amazing Trovata is

Seriously, my favorite clothing line EVER (if just for the time being) is helping me bridge the gap from play-adulthood to adulthood-adulthood. Not that you could tell by my T-shirts, but I'm increasingly more paranoid about stuff that's too young for me to wear, and Trovata's shirts are like an idiot's guide to sophistication. It doesn't mean looking like a science teacher, although that can be cute as is apparent in a few intensely plaid shirts of theirs that I've procured. I'm not going to show you because I want them all to myself.

18. Because it was Ne-Yo's Year

 

Just like a gentleman couldn't exist without regular dudes to best, so is Ne-Yo dependent on his inferior contemporaries in R&B. That's to say that his strength isn't in innovation but the perfection of existing styles with his uncanny sense of melody. Best songwriter in R&B today? I think so. His third and best album sports a killer five-song opening set, which gives way to a peek at what the album could have been -- "Why Does She Stay" is pure I'm-not-worthy shlock. It sounds like the work of a dude who can't distinguish between a gentleman and a pussy. Luckily, everywhere else Ne-Yo is precise to death.

17. Because Tyra Banks did that thing she does

I figure I need to stick her in here somewhere.

16. Because Céline Dion was fucking amazing