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The Imperfect Parent

The Imperfect Parent is an online magazine for parents who want to exercise their mind and read more than articles about diaper rash.

What's the Matter With Mommy?December 8 2008

"Fake Christmas Tree"
(sung to the tune of O Tannenbaum)

Fake Christmas Tree, Fake Christmas Tree!
I bought you today at Target.
Fake Christmas Tree, Fake Christmas Tree!
Just plug it in and forget it!

On sale today, I found you there,
Next to the Suave, the Schick and Nair!
Fake Christmas Tree, Fake Christmas Tree!
Just plug it in and forget it!

Fake Christmas Tree, Fake Christmas Tree!
It’s all completely pre-lit!
Fake Christmas Tree, Fake Christmas Tree!
Just plug it in and forget it!

I froze my ass too many times
At the cut-your-own farm in the pines
Fake Christmas Tree, Fake Christmas Tree!
I finally sold out big-time!

"O Come All Ye Losers"
(sung to the tune of O Come, All Ye Faithful)

O come, all ye losers, nosy and pathetic,
Come ye, O come ye to read our newsletter.
Come behold my family, so much better than yours;
O do come and adore us,
O do come and adore us,
O do come and adore us,
The Braggadocios.

Look, at the picture enclosed, oh look at how we’re perfect!
Look, at how my kids have achieved
So much more than yours.

Can you believe our shamelessness?
All written in the third person!

O do come and adore us,
O do come and adore us,
O do come and adore us,
The Braggadocios.

"Winter Wo

MominatrixNovember 7 2008

My fellow Americans. Regardless of how you voted this past Tuesday, the timely exit of President Bush should be something we can all agree on.

And for such a momentous occasion, a celebration is in order.

So to commemorate our new found freedom from the last eight years, the Mominatrix is encouraging you to unite together and “Shave the Date” -- Inauguration Day, January 20, 2009, when we will leave no bush behind.

We, the people with pubic hair, should come together and celebrate this historic election. Show your love for your country, and as you watch our new president take his oath and feel your satin undies against your smooth nether region, you can take pride in knowing you've rid your world of bush once and for all.

Now before you run off hog wild and stockpile bottles of Nair, here are a few helpful hints to consider as you prepare to rid yourself from the shackles of your pubes.

1. Shaving can be a convenient option for moms, but it will require more attention than you might be able to spare on any given day. Schedule a babysitter, grab your Dustbuster, and lock the bathroom door. Definitely invest in a good razor and shaving cream, and if you haven’t shaved before, make sure to trim before going at it. And for god sakes find a decent mirror.

2. Some women swear by the electric clippers, and while they can make short work of your pubes, be careful. Confidence can lead to cuts. You’ve already

The Parental is PoliticalNovember 4 2008

Today is Election Day, on which perhaps one of the most significant elections in many decades will be decided. Maybe we'll know who the next president will be before we go to bed, or maybe we'll have to wait until morning (or longer than that). Regardless, there will be a long road ahead of that man -- and a long road ahead of all of us.

I've been reflecting on the weeks and months leading up to today and feeling a sharp absence, that of Tim Russert.

I always relied on Tim Russert for the most objective and insightful political analysis anywhere in journalism. It was Tim whom I could count on to dispense with the partisan commentary and get to the root of an issue, ferreting out where a candidate stood. No small accomplishment in light of the incessant spin, especially in an election year.

Even though I faithfully watch Tom Brokaw moderate Meet the Press each Sunday morning, it still seems surreal that Tim Russert is gone. The realization hits me anew at the most unexpected times, not just on Sunday mornings.

I want so much to know what Tim Russert would think of all the events that have transpired over the course of this election cycle: the vice-presidential candidate selections, the debate performances, the handling of the economic crisis, the endorsements and advertisements.  I wonder what questions he would have asked Sarah Palin (she couldn't have pos

The Parental is PoliticalOctober 21 2008

This past Sunday on Meet the Press, retired Army General and former Secretary of State Colin Powell endorsed Sen. Barack Obama. Reasons Powell cited for his endorsement included both positive views on Sens. Obama and Biden, and negative views on Sen. McCain and Gov. Palin.

Specifically, he noted Sen. McCain's choice of Gov. Palin as a running mate demonstrated questionable judgment. He compared Gov. Palin's readiness to serve as President to Sen. Biden's readiness, concluding that Sen. Biden "is ready to be President on day one."

Gen. Powell also expressed concern with the criticisms leveled at Sen. Obama by the Republican party - namely, the recent focus on Bill Ayers and the ongoing mischaracterization of Sen. Obama as a Muslim. As an aside, Gen. Powell's standpoint on the latter criticism mirrored my views in a past column - wondering why being called a Muslim is tantamount to being "smeared".

Conversely, Gen. Powell praised Sen. Obama as "the better option to repair frayed U.S. relations with allies overseas," which serves as a counterpoint to GOP criticism of Sen. Obama's relative lack foreign policy experience in comparison to Sen. McCain.

Gen. Powell's is by far the most anticipated endorsement thus far - and perhaps the most potentially influential as well, especially since Gen. Powell served as Secretary of Sta

The Parental is PoliticalOctober 14 2008

When I learned about the Electoral College in the weeks leading up to the 1980 Presidential election, it was a nastier shock than when I found out that Santa Claus didn't exist.

The people don't elect the President? I asked my father incredulously. Who are these electors? How do we know they'll vote the way the people in the state voted?

I got over it and blithely started voting -- Presidential elections only -- starting in 1992. I was exercising my right and trusting that the electors would respect my choice.

Only when I became a resident of New York and voted in the 2000 election -- where I voted not just for President, but in the Senatorial and mayoral elections, too -- it occurred to me that even if the electors did their job, my vote was still subjugated to the will of the state.

That is, it didn't matter which way I voted -- or even if I voted at all -- because New York was going for Gore. Enough other people all across the state voted for Gore that it was a foregone conclusion that New York's electors would all go to his column. My vote, whether I cast it for Bush or for Gore, was nothing more than a fart in the wind.

In 2004, I was a resident of New Jersey, where the Presidential race was closer, but my vote still couldn't make a difference. Kyle voted his conscience (Libertarian party), which I half-admired, half-scorned. If my vote for Bush (yes, I admit it) didn't count for much, at least it didn't count for nothing.