Toluu

Sanity, Interrupted...

Wal-Mart Is A Puss Filled Zit on The Earth's Face.January 3

Last night when viking hubs was making dinner, he reminded me that we were out of diet soda and could I be a dear and pick some up. Actually it was more, "hey, get off the computer and go pick up some pop.' After a heated discussion on why it should be called SODA and not POP because I said so, I left to go get the SODA not POP. I was all prepared to drive to Rite Aid to pick some up before I changed my mind and drove one more block to Wal-Mart because hey! Sodas there are only .67 cents because they weasel out of giving their employee health benefits or a decent pay. Sweet. (not really, but I can't afford to take a stand against Wal-Mart right now okay? get off my back.)

Every time I go to Wal-Mart I always feel like I'm going into a different world. The people that frequent the place seem to have been manufactured by Wal-Mart themselves to wander around the store and give the place that "next door neighbor who scratches his butt in public then sniffs his fingers" kind of ambiance. Because I never see the characters I see at Wal-Mart anywhere else BUT Wal-Mart. So anyways, I pull into the parking lot, within the vicinity of the store and immediately I

Happy New Years Everyone!!December 31 2008

I'm staying in of course because when you have a child, the best party to have is a party on the couch with a big bowl of Tostinos and ranch. We're doing our usual, appetizers for dinner to ring in the New Years. I wish I had some sweet story on why this has become a 'family tradition' as of late, or at least some cultural reference - like this is what viking hubs great ancestors used to do every new year... rape, pillage and fry up some Tostinos to reward themselves for a hard day's work.. but no, there is no significance to our 'appetizers for dinner' New Year. Truth be told, Viking hubs and I take whatever occasion and turn it into a mini deep fry fest. No joke. We'll be doing appetizers for dinner again for Superbowl too and neither of us even follow football.

Seriously though - we'll be staying in, eating bad fried food and viking hubs begrudgingly agreed to have a Kathy Griffin night. (we're watching the entire first season and ringing in the new year with her on CNN with Anderson Cooper). Again, this isn't some 'tradition' in the family although I'm actively trying to make it one because I could watch Kathy Griffin all the live long day. But Kathy is kind of an 'adults only' comedian so while munchkin is awake, it'll be Spongebob - THEN Kathy after she goes to bed.

Here's a funny little cartoon made from her stand-up cd called 'For Your Consideration' - which she specifically made as a joke to try to get nominated for a Grammy - and she did!!! It's brilliant.

EDIT: This is from last night's telecast and why I love Kathy, check out the 4:30 mark where she tells some heckler on the street to shut up and 'knock the dick out of your mouth!' omg. she's fantastic.

Age Vs. Pamela Anderson, Round 15. Guess who's winning?December 21 2008

Spontaneous FLS! WHoot!


To My Darling Pam,

Thank you Pam – I’ve always wanted to know what a moose knuckle would look like if someone bedazzled it. I don’t know what’s more disturbing, me having odd thoughts about front wedgies or seeing your snatch having a light lunch with your leotard. I vote the latter but it was a pretty close race. After seeing this picture and peeling my eyeballs from the back of my skull, another thought occurred to me. How are you going to take this thing off dear Pam?What with the Kid Rock and Tommy Lee residue you’ve accumulated over the years leaving your body permanently sticky and smelling like beer soaked cigarette butts, I really hope you had an extra hand available to help you pry open your vagijaws to get it out – I’m sure it was a lot like pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich.

And on that note, I’m going to gargle out the vomit from my mouth and scrub my eyeballs raw. TTYL!


With Love,

Yo Momma

I've Got The Shoes Baby, You've Got The Motion...December 14 2008

Mr. Bush was causing a commotion at a press conference in Dubya and revealed his cat-like reflexes!

In the middle of the press conference a reporter proceeded to throw two of his shoes at President Bush who dodges them surprising ease. I have to admit, I was impressed. I think Mr. Bush missed his calling as a prize fighter. Quick left! Quick right! Stick! Move! Jab jab! He could give Pacquiao a run for his money! Mr. Bush already functions as if he's punch drunk anyways, so no amount of hits to the head could affect him.

What am I talking about? No one would be able to catch Mr. George "Slick Weaver" Bush.

'Slick Weaver Bush.' I think I saw that movie on Showtime at like 2:00 in the morning...

Your Best Friend's Fetus Just Added You As A Friend! Click here to Confirm.December 10 2008

* So I FINALLY opened a Facebook account in September because everyone was like, "OMG, you sad little raisin still hanging out at myspace. The older, more mature folks kick it at Facebook!" And the funny thing about Facebook is if you find one person from high school, Facebook takes it up on itself to suggest adding every person who ever went to your high school along with their unborn children. It's freaky. But on a positive note, my good friend Elisa, whom I previously thought to be lost in space, found me on facebook and alas, she's not the space cowboy I thought she was. She was just in Portland somewheres - but she has space cowboy tendencies and that's good enough for me.

* For fun, sometimes I like to pretend I'm in Pamela Anderson's head, watching her thought process. (which I'm guessing is a lot like watching clouds pass over the sky - only with a faint smell of cheese Doritos and hot garbage in the air). I was particularly interested in learning what went through her head (besides wind and lint) when she put together this outfit.