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ESPN Game Changer Universal Remote Control – 2 Pack - $7.99Today

Aw man, this remote controls everything!

Which makes this second one redundant, I guess.

Yeah I’ve been really looking for a way to keep myself completely inundated with sports news lately, so I snagged this ESPN 4-Device Universal Remote 2 Pack. It’s been exactly what I needed to avoid all the strain of day-to-day living. I don’t pay bills, I don’t open my mail, I just plop down on the couch, open another can of nacho cheez dip, and get to watching.

I mean, it’s not just sports, either. I can control my DVR, DVD player, TV, basically any four devices I have running. And with these three ESPN channel buttons I never have to glance at a TV Guide again to find my sports fix. So, really, this other one is just kind of taking up space.

No, you can’t have it. Because I paid for it. I think it’ll just be my failsafe or something, in case the two AAA batteries, which were not included, wear out.

I can’t tell you how excited I am to catch all the NHL, Soccer, and MMA highlights. Not to mention all the women’s sports! WNBA, Women’s College Bask

What Super Bowl Commercials Say About YouYesterday

Commercials don't just come out of thin air, y'know. A lot of time, thought, and money goes into distilling an advertiser's product into the perfect message that resonates with you, the 18-25 year-old male with disposable income. And lots of research has shown that the message that resonates most is the one that makes you think, "I'm just like that guy."

(Before you lay into us for focusing entirely on men and neglecting the female demographic, please understand that if advertisers cared enough to notice women have grown a bit since the days of Wilma Flintstone, we'd be happy to include those ads as well.)

So with that mind, what did Sunday's big ad-stravaganza say about how advertisers see you?

Dodge Thinks You Are: A Resentful, Henpecked Man-Child

If you're trying to prove that your car is big, fast, and tough, I guess you need to convince men that they're not already any of those things. I guess the FCC has a problem with the Charger's original pitch: "Dodge Charger. Buy it. Unless you're a total p&^%$*," so we got this instead.

You, according to Dodge, are simply going through the motions, completely emasculated by your spouse and hating every minute of your soulless existence with her. They never bother to explain how it got to the point where you can't utter a single opinion of your own, but you might consider plunking down that $30,000 on some couples therapy rather than a car with crappy gas mileage....

Doritos Thinks You Are: A Thieving Date Rapist

Ah, out of the mouths of babes! Kids have such a refreshing honesty, and that certainly relates to America's obsession with highly-processed, corn-based junk food. Pay no attention to the fact that this kid's single mother is so strapped for cash trying to make ends meet that the little guy eats corn chips instead of vegetables!

You, according to Doritos, have a perpetual stink of sexual deviance on you so thick that a child presumably too young to know what sex is feels threatened enough to physically assault you. Additionally, he feels the need to preemptively scold you for lusting after his Doritos as well. Your Eddie Haskel grin and cheap Tommy Hilfiger cologne may have fooled a lonely, isolated single mom, but her street-smart toddler can see right through you. I assume the shame should make you want to go home and eat some chips as you drift in and out of various Yahoo chat rooms looking for your next mark.

FLO TV Thinks You Are: Unable to Relate to Humans Without Television

Football fans watch football. Duh! So why would you make a commercial that doesn't look like football, am I right, fellas? Life in general would be better with an in-game commentary, highlights, and copious amounts of corporate sponsorships. This awkward dinner with your overbearing mother brought to you by Campbell's!

You, according to FLO TV, cannot bear the company of your family for even an hour in which you are focused entirely on the task of not killing them in a horrible car crash. The kids' constant "playing" coupled with your nagging wife's screams at them to settle down (because everyone knows dads don't discipline) make you consider running your Kia off the bridge. Thank goodness for the pacifying mental sedation of television! This will be great in case the kids' PSPs and iPhones inexplicably die!

Dr. Pepper Thinks You Are: The Kind of Guy Who Sees a Dwarf at the Mall and Points and Laughs

Everyone loves KISS, right? What could be more relevant than a band that got famous entirely because of its wanton insistence on branding any and every product they could, as opposed to any sort of musical talent?! What? A group of little people who imitate such a band? Perfect! And who wouldn't want to drink whatever Gene Simmons drinks?! Just not out of the same glass, I hope.

You, according to Dr. Pepper, have such an infantile sense of humor that the fact that people who are born smaller than everyone else even exist is hilarious to you. You can't help it. They're just so little! And if they didn't want your attention they shouldn't have been so different! This commercial presumes that you are at home watching TV because your volunteer hours at the burn ward were cut after you spent four hours asking people, "Eeew. What's wrong with your face?!"

Bud Light Thinks You Are: A Beer-Mooching Fratboy Alcoholic

Ah, beer. It's so good, right? Imagine if you could have beer any time you wanted, all the time! It'd be like living in beer, right? That would be totally awesome! So awesome, in fact, I wouldn't even care what kind of beer it was or how bad it tasted!

You, according to Bud Light, are so obsessed with the consumption of watery  beer that upon learning your friend was living in a house made of aluminum cans your first act would be to pull the whole thing down around you in a maelstrom of Hulk-like alcoholism. Even drinking your way through the bathroom wall to discover a showering woman is no deterrent to you and your unquenchable thirst for cheap booze.

GoDaddy.com Thinks You Are: Incredibly Sexually Frustrated

Flash In The Brainpan: This Is The Only Level (plus bonus games)Yesterday

Mr. Elephant has been deeply involved in the online gaming industry for some time now. He started with a rave in support of his species. Then the attention he received spiraled out of control, so he tried to turn his back on fame. Eventually, like some digital Marlon Brando, Mr. Elephant embraced his gifts, and decided to win the hearts and minds of the world with a game that literally forces everyone to be a winner no matter what they do. So where can an elephant go after a career like that? Well, you're about to find out. Because in his latest video game, Mr. Elephant has taken taking one step back one step further.

 

 

This Is The Only Level. Really, it is. All you have to do is help Mr. Elephant finish one, single, solitary level. You've even got infinite lives, so it won't be too hard, will it? After all, it really IS the only level...

...from a certain point of view.

  

Rose Bush in White Ceramic Pot with Chocolate KissesYesterday

It Was Either This Or One Of Those Roses They Sell At The Gas Station

My beloved lady-love: I have lovingly created for you a gift made of pure love, to symbolize my love for you. (Note: gift actually includes some non-love ingredients, too.)

First, eternal love of mine, I reached deep into the love-garden in my heart and plucked forth not just a rose, but a rose bush. A 12” tall rose bush, watered and nourished on my everlasting devotion to you. Now that it’s out, you should probably give it actual water and plant food. But do it with love, my love, or else my heart shall die.

Then I scooped up the love-clay of my heart and crafted a 4.5” tall, 4.5” diameter ceramic pot, as a loving home for the aforementioned rose bush. I worked this planter on the potters’ wheel of undying passion that spins evermore in my, you guessed it, heart. Your presence was with me all along, the phantom fingers of your love entwining with my own normal fingers, united in the love of loving and being loved. It was at least four times hotter than that scene in Ghost.

You’ll notice I made the pot white, which is tied for the thir

Sandisk Sansa Clip 8GB MP3 PlayerFebruary 7

The Average Internet User

The Who? Really? Because all I see up there are two old guys with a backup band.

I mean, I understand wanting to keep rocking until you drop, you know, but let’s not call a six inch sub a footlong. Maybe I’d forgive The Roger Daltrey Experience Featuring Pete Townsend or Towny And Daltrey or even The Whom. And that last one, you could make some money with a band like that. But don’t keep on ruining a great legacy, guys. You’re so not what you used to be.

And, I’ll tell you right now, there’s no way I’m going to watch The Who when it’s just half of the band. For that whole halftime, I’ll be using my Sandisk Sansa Clip Black 8GB MP3 Player to listen to something else. Maybe I’ll pop in a short audiobook, or Audible file. Maybe I’ll listen to a few MP3s or WMAs. Maybe I’ll switch over to the FM Radio and see what Garrison Keillor has to say about the game, or maybe I’ll use the built-in microphone to record a few thoughts of my own about how the game’s been going.

But, really, The Who? No way am I listening to that. As far as I’m concerned, the second they lost John Bo