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Pure Digital Mino 60 Minute Camcorder - $74.99Today

Watch This, Ya’ll

Three words that mean something’s about to happen. Three words that mean you’re about to wish that you had a camera at the ready.

With a Pure Digital F360 Mino 60 Minute Camcorder in your pocket, you’ve got an unobtrusive way to record the glorious moment when your boy cousin set your girl cousin on fire. Or maybe you’ll want to look back on the day that your best friend thought the wasabi was actually some sort of dessert. The Pure Digital F360 Mino 60 Minute Camcorder can do that, too.

Around two gigs worth of room to hold your precious videos means you’ll never be short on space. The built-in USB arm means you can easily transfer files. And the additional composite cable plug means you can stream right to a TV. That will come in extra handy when the cops don’t feel like waiting for you to upload the file.

Of course, the Pure Digital F360 Mino 60 Minute Camcorder isn’t a high quality top of the line video camera. The fixed focus lens is basic and you can’t use an memory card. But do you really want to be holding a good camera while your brother-in-law heads to the beach to try and launch his ro

Philips 42” Full HD 1080p with Pixel Plus HDYesterday

Oh Beautiful Forty-Two Inches

Forget about the fireworks, and the barbecues, and the parades. What could possibly be more American than buying a humongous TV?

Fireworks? Weren’t those invented by the Chinese? And now that we mention it, you know who loves a good parade? That’s right: the Communists. They fall into parade formation at the drop of a Chernenko. You ask us, anybody who has ever watched or especially marched in a parade is probably a closet pinko waiting for a signal from his Soviet masters to burn American flags in the streets.

True, red-blooded Americans will spend the day recreating Red Dawn with little green army men and buying this huge TV from us. Mind you, this Philips 42-incher is more than just huge. It also boasts a full-HD 1920×1080p resolution, 3 HDMI inputs for hi-res sources like Blu-Ray and HD game consoles, and incredible surround audio thanks to its (you guessed it) Incredible Surround audio technology. Like America, this Philips TV is big and bold and makes no apologies for being totally awesome. In short, this is why we fought on the shores of Grenada.

The enemies of America can have our Philips 42” 1080p TVs wh

Little Giant 15 Foot Ladder SystemJuly 3

We’re Just Like Tim Burton

Once upon a time there were three bears. And a little girl named Goldilocks.

Goldilocks hated her parents, because they named her Goldilocks. The other children teased her constantly, and Goldlilocks found that very upsetting. Soon Goldilocks began experimenting with drugs and alcohol, and also began making out with other women in public. She wasn’t actually attracted to women, she just did it to upset her parents. And then, one day, Goldilocks stole a Little Giant 15 Foot Ladder System and went into the forest.

Goldilocks knew that the police in three states were looking for her because of her actions, so she decided to take her Little Giant 15 Foot Ladder System to this little house she knew about. It was the house where the bears lived. Goldilocks had bought pills from there before so she knew the way.

When Goldilocks arrived, she knocked on the door. No one was at home. Goldilocks decided to set the Little Giant 15 Foot Ladder System to the extension ladder position and climbed up to the second story window. The u-shaped locking rods let her adjust the height of the Little Giant 15 Foot Ladder System so that she could reach the window and let herself insid

Mr. Clean AutoDry Carwash SystemJuly 2

Dirty Business

Who was this hulking silhouette sitting at my desk in the dark? All I could make out was a glint off his bald head, and a smaller, golden glint off his right ear.

Anxious, I switched on the light. Then I got even more anxious. “It’s…it’s you.”

He smiled the famous smile, winked the famous wink. But it had never looked so menacing in the commercials. “You can have my autograph later. I’m here to talk business.”

I’d heard about what he could do to people who refused to play ball. The story of a Cincinnati grocery-store owner flashed through my mind. When the police found the body, the guy’s face was almost totally gone – as if it had been scrubbed off… “I’m sure, uh, we can, uh, work something out. Can I get you a drink?”

“Ammonia on the rocks, with a splash of bleach.”

I hurried to fix the drinks, the tinkling of ice against glass betraying my trembling hand. I wished he’d get to the point. After a langurous sip of his cocktail, he did.

“I understand you’re in the crap business. Remainders, overstocks, that kind of thing.”

“That’s right. The way it works is, every day at midnight a new product goes up on our site, and it’s the on

I Can't Believe It's Not A Felony: Woot Weads The WireJuly 1

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

BEIJING (UPI)—A landscape by the legendary 17th century Chinese painter Zhu Da fetched a record price at a Beijing auction Sunday, auction officials said.

The previous record was held by artist Zippy Deeay.

ISTANBUL, Turkey (UPI)—U.S. television talk show diva Oprah Winfrey has been honored in Turkey with a traditional Ottoman Mehteran band and whirling dervishes, observers say.

Guests thrilled to the lavish dinner, in which an egg was stuffed in a chicken which was stuffed in a sheep which was stuffed into a camel which was stuffed into Dr. Phil.

RAPID CITY, S.D. (AP)—Police arrested a man they said tried to rob a hotel around 6 p.m. on Sunday with a butter knife.

The man is being charged with assault and buttery.

DES MOINES, Iowa (