Toluu

Blog of Hilarity

All the pop culture you need, mocked fresh daily.

Women’s breasts used to commit crimeYesterday

Just when you thought women couldn’t get more deadly comes this piece of news from Uganda; a new trend is women rubbing chloroform on their ample bosoms to knock men out and steal all their belongings. Sexy and devious!

Uganda’s police warned male bar-goers to keep their noses clean after a probe found a gang of robbers had been using women with chloroform smeared on their chests to knock their victims unconscious.

“They apply this chemical to their chest. We have found victims in an unconscious state,” Criminal Investigations Directorate (CID) spokesman Fred Enanga told AFP.

“You find the person stripped totally naked and everything is taken from him,” he said. “And the victim doesn’t remember anything. He just remembers being in the act of romancing.”

Enanga, who explained that several types of heavy sedatives had been used, said he first came across the practice last year when an apprehended thief named Juliana Mukasa made a clean breast of the matter.

“She is a very dangerous lady,” the official said.

While it’s certainly

Quote of the DayYesterday

The recession is making it difficult for people to find activities to entertain themselves. Well, not in the UK as sex is now becoming a popular free activity. And you can make money off of it if you’re cute enough and have no standards as to what is going to be inserted inside of you and what monster it may be attached to!

As the credit crunch bites, Britons may be turning to sex as a cheap way to pass the time, a charity says.

A YouGov survey of 2,000 adults found sex was the most popular free activity, ahead of window shopping and gossiping.

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Ever wonder what an eagle getting raped looks like?Yesterday

There’s a problem with eagles attacking hens in China. So what’s the solution? Duh…you obviously tie the eagles up so that they make faces like this when being assaulted by chickens.

A hen pecks an eagle. Chinese farmers are trapping eagles and other birds of prey and throwing them trussed up into chicken pens to make them so scared of poultry that they never return

I think we can all relate a bit to that eagle. Sure, he once soared majestically, free to roam the Earth and take whatever he pleased. But now he’s being pinned down by an angry farmer and forced to endure cocks up his ass. It’s like prison, but with blood and tears replaced by adorableness.

For bonus points: What might the chicken be torturing the eagle to find out? Ideally, I’d like to see the chicken saying, “TELL ME WHERE THE BOMB IS.”

[via]

The December 1 Hot Link OrgyYesterday

The hottest orgy with scrotal torture

A good way to mock your friend’s weakness in the gym: Making him kill himself by punching him in the groin while he does the bench press

-How to start a conversation with a random hot chick
-This Cleveland Cavaliers cheerleader is in a bubble bath with her lady friend
-Awesome collection of “Demotivational Posters” (funny pics)
-Holly Valance is Australian hotness
-The Monopoly man has gone bankrupt (funny video)

-What could have happened with your girlfriend at Thanksgiving (funny video)
-Awesome college classes you wish you could have taken
-Drunk Santa Clauses chasing half-naked Hooters girls? Of course it’s in Jersey
-Scarlett Johansson look

Britney Spears is backYesterday

And not in the sense that she’s like living and doing music and whatever because frankly, who gives a fuck? She could be gargling words like she was Terri Schiavo but if she looked like this, I’d probably call it a triumphant return for all involved parties.

The clip above is from British TV show “X-Factor”, which is either about the amazing talents people have as performers or about the extra chromosome present in “special” children. Either way, Britney seemed to be a more-than-adequate choice.

I think it’s really inspiration how Britney Spears has gone from sexy jailbait to complete fucking mess to perfectly acceptable piece of ass. It really all comes down to perseverance and a willingness to flash your vagina to willing paparazzi then cease flashing your vagina to willing paparazzi. That’s actually just one of the tenets of life (not to be confused with the “tenements of life”, which would be an appropriate name to call Britney’s diseased netherworld of a womb).