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USELESS ADVICE FROM USELESS MEN

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More or less.

QUESTION # 678: NO MYSTICAL TELEKINETIC NINJAS HERENovember 18

Dear Useless Friends,

So, I have been reading since before you got a useless clock and have seen many questions about relationships answered, so I wanted to pose one of my own.

I highly enjoy the company of this guy who lives in my dorm building. For some reason everytime I am around him, I become very clumsy. A week and a half ago I accidently knocked tea over onto his Mac (and he is a computer engineering major, so doubly bad). He still is friendly and we hang out quite frequently, however I still find it very hard to make my feet function normally. Sometimes I don't realise he is there until I have fallen down and he is there.

...

As I am writing this I suddenly realise that he is also a black belt at kung fu, so... what if he is passive agressivly upset about his poor computer still being in the shop and is using some mystic kung fu energy to knock me over everytime he is close to me and that is why he invites me to be around him?

Crushing, but hopefully not crushed.

Dear Crushing,

First off, let me just make it clear that I do not believe in the existen

QUESTION # 677: STALKING SPLOJERKSNovember 10

Dear Useless Men,

I use a computer in a public place and there is a guy there most times I go in. He constantly, snuffs, snorts, sighs and scatches the whole time I'm there. Why does he do this? I've watched through a window before going in and he is just surfing the web. This activity starts as soon as I sit down.

TJ

Dear TJ,

You have found yourself a splojerk. Don’t confuse these with a Spoljaric. They are fine baseball family out of Port Hope, Ontario. (Hi Paul!)

Unless, of course, this public computer place is in Port Hope, in which case it could be both. It would be rare, I suppose. My cousin once felt threatened by a splojerk in Port Hope (who was not a Spoljaric as far as I know). Either way, this spoljerk made my time at the part get cut short when my older cousin decided her safety was more important than an extra under-dog on the swings. Of course, that slimy punk may have wanted a little under-dog himself, and he was too big for the swings.

Where was I? Right, Port Hope. Initially I’d guess that this guy was trying to get your attention, akin to hitting you over the head with a lunchbox to show his love but without the assault charges

QUESTION # 676: HALLOWE'EN HORROROctober 20

Dear Useless Men,

My sister has double dog dared me to wear this costume for halloween. I wanted to get your advice since you are such a Halloween GuRu!?

Velvet Ginger

Dear VG,

At first glance this costume might seem inappropriate and hussyish and there is some validity there. While it would be in bad taste to wear to, say, cousin Norma’s wedding in about 48 of the U.S of States, it’s perfectly acceptable everywhere else, and that includes Halloween parties. Funerals, too. I mean, people are already crying. So what if they cry even harder when you show up? Their loved one is already dead so there’s virtually no chance you could make that situation worse.

Now, because I’m real good at reading, I understand that you were double dog dared to wear this breastacular costume. Obviously the darer clearly thinks there is something wrong with it. But upon close examination of the photo attached, in the bathroom, for about 3 minutes, I found the shirt to be made from a good quality cotton/lycra blend, and the mask a fair representation of a senior North American citizen. Therefore I must assume it’s the dangly bits that appear to be unfitting for whatever function you are going to.

So why is your sister wrong? I’ll

QUESTION # 675: MONKEY BUSINESSAugust 19

Dear Useless Men,

It's been awhile since I wrote. Luckily I'm not Catholic or you'd be telling me I had to do some kind of annoying penance. Not that penance is all bad. Some of it is kind of fun. So... do you like being spanked or do you prefer to give a little swat now and then?

Signed,
Curious, The Cat with Claws

Dear Curious (TCWC),

Glad you came back with another question. I should state that continuous reading of Useless Advice From Useless Men is a kind of penance all its own. It has been a while for us to respond to this question and for that you are required to continue reading until you feel you've suffered enough.

I understand why it took so long to dream up this controversial question. This is delicate for a couple of reasons. There is always the great debate about child rearing and if spanking is appropriate or more damaging. There is also the issue of animal testing inherent with this type of inquiry. I was for both, but let's break this down.

Childrenary disciplination actions are a hot topic lately. I was spanked as a kid and I looked forward to spanking my own. Spanking is a learning process much like touching a hot stove. You touch a hot stove. You get burned. Your Mom yells at you a lot. You don't touch it again until you need more attention from Mom. Simple.

Likewise, when you shave the dog and paint it to look like the cat, you get spanked. Then you

QUESTION # 674: QUATTRO TITANIUM TRIMMER ON THE LOOSEAugust 18

Dear Useless Men,

Gimme some useful advice- I always feel uncomfortable when searching for loose change. How do I change this??

In addition to soliciting advice, I'm writing to you today on behalf of Schick - they have a new Quattro Titanium Trimmer that is unlike anything else on the market. It has a four blade razor- with an edging blade on one end, and a trimmer on the other. Crazy, right??!

We're sending out samples for bloggers to check out and review - I think you and your readership might be interested.

Also, you can let your readers know that they can get their own free Titanium Trimmer in the mail. All they have to do is visit www.trimflixx.com and make their own video clip. No strings attached. As you know, people love hearing about ways of getting free stuff. Especially when it's a cool high tech razor like this one.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best,
Deana
www.trimflixx.com

Dear Deana,

I’ll give you some useful advice: Keep sending us cool free stuff!

I think it’s awesome when someone in the ad game (or the marketing g