Toluu

Culinary Abortions from Japan

A Journal of Food Failures from Around the Globe

65. Rudimentary CuisineMay 27

Having tasted the fruits of banality and inertia, one will never go back to effort and spice.

Not a single peppercorn, sauce, or condiment adorned this homegrown meal, found in the middle of nowhere, on an island, in Peru. Even a grain of salt would be sit like a blemish upon the skin of these humble potatoes. Naïve, but daring, they emerged into a world undressed and ready to face even the harshest critic. The fact that they failed was no surprise.

Note the brick of fried cheese that laid solemnly, bearing little to no oil. It must have been fried in goodwill alone – meshing handsomely with its dull friends, the tubers.

But perhaps the best part of this meal was the rich dessert: Three carefully chopped cucumbers crowned by a modest tomato slice. Who needs affogato or mille-feuille when this sensual treat resounds? If 30 is the new 20, then bland is the new zest.

Hasta luego.

64. The Rubix CubewichNovember 15 2009

This game varies little from its plastic counterpart – the main difference being that if you solve a real rubix cube, you feel a sense of pride and accomplishment.

Conversely, if you “solve” this puzzle,  your arteries will become striated like the chunks pictured here. Instead of winning, you will have lost.

Continuity experts will also critique the bread encapsulate. Note the real rubix cube does not have a “roof” or a “floor.” Also, the real rubix cube has six well-differentiated colour tiles; the saturated fat rendition does not. Unless you cleverly distinguish between the solid purple chunk and the pimply one.

Regardless, the “artist” behind this misappropriation is more vainglorious than unique.

Next we’ll see legume connect four and monopoly lasagna.

63. Squeez BaconOctober 3 2009

Most people contribute to the world in positive ways; some birth children, and others, great works of art. But the opposite proved true for Vilhelm Lillefläsk of Sweden who had too much time on his hands and a clear lack of vision. In a desperate attempt to leave his mark on the universe, he invented squeezable bacon.

Americans have now latched on to this product with joy. It’s available in fine supermarkets such as ThinkGeek, which provided the above pin-up. Vilhelm dodged xenophobia issues in the North American market by injecting his squeez bacon with “American Flavor.” In other words, this product now tastes like air.

Even the slogan of Vilhelm’s product is poor.  He claims that “if it’s edible, it’s better with squeez bacon.” Since nothing will be edible with this raffish topping, his catch phrase is a moot point.

Perhaps Vilhelm will come to his senses.

The author does thank him–and the others who sent this product to culinary abortions–for contributing to this blog.

62. Clubbed SealMay 7 2009

The Canadian government has now decided to politicize the 2010 Olympics by insisting that athletes wear sealskin ginch (or something of that nature).

While not a culinary abortion per se, this gesture speaks to the dearth of symbolism in the Lonely North: suffering from an identity crisis and unable to distinguish itself from its neighbours in the South, Canada has reached out for an icon. Be it seal.

Nothing says Canada like a blubbery mammal clubbed over the head with a wooden bat.

Now Canada’s Proud Athletes will be wearing this pathetic synecdoche.

Next we’ll see the McSeal burger and deep fried Seal calamari on all of Canada’s menus.

*image courtesy of the Hamilton Spectator

61. Kraft Dinner CrackersMay 1 2009

It’s official: Kraft Dinner was not convenient enough. For modern cosmopolites, KD was just too time-consuming. Too many steps were involved. Boiling, buttering, stirring, dumping. These tasks were irksome, if not exhaustive. Luckily, the savants at Kraft came up with a solution.

Carefully tailoring their product to the Modern Age, they successfully reached out to a new niche.

No longer must one boil lousy curlicues of durum. No longer must one struggle with powdered phosphorescent cheese.

With KD Crackers, one gets the nutritional damage of the original meal at a fraction of the labour time. This is truly a marketing breakthrough.

*Thank you to the fine photographer.