Toluu

Culinary Abortions from Japan

A Journal of Food Failures from Around the Globe

62. Clubbed SealMay 7

The Canadian government has now decided to politicize the 2010 Olympics by insisting that athletes wear sealskin ginch (or something of that nature).

While not a culinary abortion per se, this gesture speaks to the dearth of symbolism in the Lonely North: suffering from an identity crisis and unable to distinguish itself from its neighbours in the South, Canada has reached out for an icon. Be it seal.

Nothing says Canada like a blubbery mammal clubbed over the head with a wooden bat.

Now Canada’s Proud Athletes will be wearing this pathetic synecdoche.

Next we’ll see the McSeal burger and deep fried Seal calamari on all of Canada’s menus.

*image courtesy of the Hamilton Spectator

61. Kraft Dinner CrackersMay 1

It’s official: Kraft Dinner was not convenient enough. For modern cosmopolites, KD was just too time-consuming. Too many steps were involved. Boiling, buttering, stirring, dumping. These tasks were irksome, if not exhaustive. Luckily, the savants at Kraft came up with a solution.

Carefully tailoring their product to the Modern Age, they successfully reached out to a new niche.

No longer must one boil lousy curlicues of durum. No longer must one struggle with powdered phosphorescent cheese.

With KD Crackers, one gets the nutritional damage of the original meal at a fraction of the labour time. This is truly a marketing breakthrough.

*Thank you to the fine photographer.

60. Crocheted CakeApril 24

Funded retirement now poses a dangerous threat to the industriousness of humankind.

When we consider the problems facing our world–carbon emissions, terrorism, HIV, hunger, crime, war, etc.–the fact that someone has time to crochet a cake is truly depressing.

This paucity of spirit would only be seen in affluent, Western nations. Developing countries do not have the time nor resources to crochet a cake. More importantly, they need to find food and survive.

One may go as far as labeling this abomination as the symbol of our Human Crisis.

How will we know when this Human Crisis is over?

When every individual in every country has the wealth, time and peace-of-mind to create a cloth cake.

In the meantime, this ostentatious display of leisure and status must be abolished. It is as tasteless as it is garrish.

*retarded item courtesy of etsy.com

59. MeatloafApril 2

There was never a greater culinary anachronism than meatloaf.

Do people in the 21st century still eat this awkward centerpiece, and if so, why?

Modern health science has shed light on many discoveries: tobacco is carcinogenic, cocaine is not suitable for cough drops and the Atkins diet will lead to a quick demise. Where our better judgement fails, science intercedes.

A recent article in the National Post suggests that red meat is linked to cancer. Only Western nations consume high quantities of red meat, and this article is not the first to point to potential health risks. Chicken, fish, tofu: these are the cows of the 21st century. We must engage them. The Soda Shoppe age has come to an end, and with it, so has 1954.

No longer must we coat our arteries with butter; no longer must we accept heart disease as a given.

And, most importantly, no longer must we eat a loaf of meat, as if we were a nonagenarian with no better options.

Our parents’ parents may have cooked this up, but for us, there is no need. With the robust range of less nefarious options, we can consume protein without acting like an 92-year-old n

58. Sac JuiceMarch 25

Sometimes two volatile substances are paired together much to everyone’s chagrin.

Fine examples of this in history are:

• Kraft dinner and ketchup
• Fish and bicycles
• Sonny and Cher
• Plaid and argyle

More recently, it has come to our awareness that sac and juice are far from illustrious mates. A close cousin of pulp, sac bears a similar congealed texture but with troublesome sexual undertones.

Important questions to ask yourself while drinking this beverage are as follows:

• Will it affect my ability to bear children?
• Will it make me grow a beard?
• Will it add four cup sizes to my chest?
• Do I look like an idiot?

If you answered “yes” to any of the points above,  you should not drink this beverage. The temptation may be hard to fight–especially because of the clever “six fortune” name that implies clairvoyance or other supernatural qualities usually not assigned to juice.

But there are more reasonable alternatives. Even Extra Pulp Tropicana would be a wiser solution than this malfeasance.

*credits to the sage H. Spencer who submitted this photo