Toluu

The Rape of Innocence

Find out how to survive abuse, depression and loneliness. It is possible to be happy again.

The Difference Between Is and LikeNovember 4

The very nature of mankind is to misunderstand because we're too quick to use our imaginations instead of our intellect. That's the norm for nearly everyone. Recently, I found out that imagination can destroy good people.

My grandmother used to tell me all the time that there is a difference between what is and what seems like. Like deals in similiarities while is deals in facts. I've been scandalized recently, both me and my husband. People say we are (is) scams and criminals. People say the company is (is) bogus. People accuse us of all sorts of horrible things because of what it looks like (like). Most people feel that if it looks like a dog then it is indeed a dog, which is never true. There are dogs that look like wolves and wolves that look like dogs. What is my point?

In all that I've done online from start to finish, I've never, ever lied about myself or my husband in any way. I live my life as an open book because everything I do ties into ministry for me. I've never said I'd lived a clean life all my life. Indeed, even in my book, I talk about the troubles I've been in. I talk about the bad decisions I made. I talk about how the love of God redeemed me from them all so that I can boldly say that since God entered my life until today, I've continuously became a better person. I've continuously became a standard for Him and His own glory.

When I came ba

Low No MoreOctober 3

When you go through some things in life, you come out feeling low. Sometimes, you get so used to being low that you'd rather than try to be happy just to have the bubble pop on you and bring you right back down.

I remember a time when depression seemed to be my friend. I didn't want anyone to cheer me up because it always hurt worst to be happy and then sink into the depths of hell in a matter of moments. I tried everything to find some way to stabilize my emotions. I tried medication that only made me feel like a shell. I tried relationships that caused me to hurt others who only wanted to love me. I tried partying but the high was only short-lived.

In the beginning, it didn't even seem that Jesus Christ had the power to stop me from going through my emotional hell. He does, but his power works through us. It works in us deciding that we won't settle for less than what He's promised us. He promised us joy and peace. By golly, I demand myself to walk in that everyday. It isn't easy. After all, I spent more than 20 years going through ups and downs so quickly that it made my own head spin.

Today, you have to choose stability in Christ too. You have to choose to take command over your life again. You have to view your pain like you'd view a day that it rained when you were a child. It rained then. There was nothing you could do about it, but it isn't going to sto

I've Been Tagged - Again, This Time By Ron BerrySeptember 29

So, I'm supposed to tell you guys six things about myself on this blog. Ron Berry, the Surreal Writer, tagged me. Let's see what I can think of.

1) I'm a survivor of sexual abuse that stretched over my entire childhood.

2) I've been a minister of the Gospel for seven years, and I'm licensed and ordained

3) I teach protocol at church, something I hate, but happen to be GREAT at. How does that work?

4) Most people around me think I'm kind of mean, very outspoken, and a bit intimidating, however, I have the voice of a 12 year old. It just won't change. LOL! So, how does that work?

5) I call my best friends about once a month. That's why they are still my best friends. LOL! I'm really a loner and appreciate my personal time.

6) I want nine more children. Actually, we have 9 little embryos frozen in Louisiana. I just KNOW that we have 5 girls and 4 boys. Here are the names, thus far. We're still lacking a few.

~ Solandra Cheyenne Hayes
~ Falon Santana Hayes
~ Sabrya Annalyse Hayes
~ Connor Christopher Hayes
~ Caleb
~ Cole
~ Nicolas

We're always open for tips.

Now, I tag the following people:

Lindy
Trina
Erica
Vicky Warren


The rules:
Now, if you’ve been tagged with the meme game from twitter, you must post 6 things no one knows about you on your BLOG.
Then you have to tag about 6 more people (don’t

Sexual Predators and Forgiveness ~ My ReasonsSeptember 17

This morning, I happened over to a good friend's blog. His posts from yesterday and today caused a stir inside me. Though I never have confessed to be perfect, I realized just how imperfect I am. I found that I could never date or marry a known sexual predator, even if he was saved, preaching, filled with the Holy Ghost. I just couldn't do it. What does that say about me? Let me share yet another experience. I'm not sure if it is in the book or not.

My first husband and I were young when we got married. Every weekend, something was going on over at our house. Well, it wasn't full scale parties, but we always had company over. One night, one of my brothers who I hadn't known long brought a friend over to the house with him. The "friend" just happened to be a young man who had tortured me as a child and teenager. He'd hung a dead chicken in front of our door with blood still dripping. He's raped me once, as part of the gang rape I spoke about in the book that happened when I was about 9 or 10. He'd even tried to rape me after I had my son.

My screen was messed up, another long story. I kept the window up because my son was so little (6 months old) and it was always hot in the house. My son and I were in the bed sleep. My grandmother and

LeftoversSeptember 15

I was watching comedian Dave Chappelle talk about women and how easy they are now. (Not something I normally watch, but flipping through TV, he caught my attention.) I was hurt, cut to my heart with what he said. It wasn't that he was exaggerating. It was that he was telling the truth. He said that if a woman's secret place was stock, it would be plummeting because women give it away too easily.

It is unfortunate that life isn't perfect for anyone, but each of us have our own burdens to bear. Sadly, many victims of sexual abuse have a tendency to no sex or too much sex with too many people. I used to fit into the latter category. I was very young when I was violated over and over. It got to a point that I was afraid to say no, and somehow my mind shifted into thinking giving away my precious body would be easier than fighting to keep it. In fact, I didn't figure it was even worth trying to keep anymore. So as a teenager and young adult, I had the reputation for being loose. I was way too quick to be with a man. I even believed that I wanted to live like that. Now, I promise it is very few people who are going to say that out loud. Women have images to uphold, after all. My image is honesty and that is what I want to uphold.

Fast forward to now, my husband has to deal with leftovers. Anytime you have sex with someone, you have given up a piece of yourself. The more sex with more people, the less of